Posted: Wednesday 26 October 2011
This is the second in a series of guest blogs by Alison who is working again after 13 years on incapacity benefits.
Following my blog in August, I can now report on my first few weeks in paid work. I feel emotionally overwhelmed. There are so many changes for me to figure out and make these major adjustments to my life.
Initially, I couldn’t believe that I was being paid. I am so used to voluntary work where refunds are given for only out of pocket expenses. It comes instinctively to volunteer to take external meetings as annual leave.
Payment for my services brings up issues of self value as I try to accept that I do deserve to be rewarded for my skills. I worry about the sense of responsibility in paid work. I am a perfectionist so I know my standards are high but I still feel suddenly accountable to an employer. I fear being knocked back again in my life, I wonder if I can trust this turn of events and good fortune yet.
I feel tired as I go into work all day only to return home to tackle numerous to do lists during evenings and weekends. On the same day as I started work I sent letters to each state benefits department. A few days later I received letters back that my benefits had stopped, a response which felt surprisingly quick compared to the time it often takes to resolve claimants’ benefit payment problems!
I set up direct debits for council tax and rent as the priority. I applied for the return to work credit which must be done within five weeks of starting work over 16 hours (See the Disability Alliance factsheet for claiming in work benefits). My contract of employment came through the post a week later. This is the first time I signed my own contract instead of reviewing clients' employment paperwork in my former role as volunteer CAB adviser.
Working full time means I start at 8.45am and finish by 5pm, get home, check my post and eat a ready meal then go to bed.I try to wind down and relax but my thoughts jump ahead to tomorrow which, after all, is only hours away.
I make more to do lists about outstanding work in the office. I try not to dwell on how I did that day as I know self criticism is stronger than the reality of positive feedback from my manager.
My colleagues have been welcoming and friendly. They looked forward to me joining, their confidence unaffected by the two month delay in starting due to waiting for the Criminal Records Bureau check.
My team colleagues answer questions that seem so obvious these should be in my memory already. I keep asking about office systems, stationery orders, printing and I am due to visit senior colleagues ‘upstairs’ as part of my induction.
I worry about others’ expectations, even though I find it hard to give credit to myself. I fear making any mistakes since part of my obsessive-compulsive disorder is to never to get anything wrong. My supported employment adviser reminds me that no-one could expect me to know everything when I have only just started there.
I go to lengths to prove myself as I feel grateful for having a job and want to be liked by my team. It has been a busy ‘settling in’ period. While a main worry was how I would cope with my eating difficulties when in employment, I have found the structure work brings quite helpful. My workload provides a focus more immediate than what I’m going to eat later or my diet from yesterday. I feel there is permission to eat as long as I’m occupied.
My mental health services support is coming to an end and my psychologist is responsible for discharge planning to take effect early next year.
I hope that I can move on from my past and embrace these new experiences which may help me feel fulfilled. I have entered a different way of life and identity.
It is still early days in the job but I believe I can do this.
Alison
Rather the helpful information
You are doing really well Alison. I returned to work 11 years ago but must admit I still have the same feelings as you regarding expectations of other people. I have far exceeded my expectations over the years but like yourself always want to achieve more as if we have to prove to others we can do it. I feel it really shows that we worry more about the 'what ifs"; what if I don't do this properly or what if I am ill again?
Take each new day as something to build on and just plan small achievable goals. I used to have lists of lists but prioritising and planning really works well.
I have found positive thinking really works and each day I just spend some time thinking or looking at something nice. Today I watched a hover fly on a flower!
Always remember everyone has knock back days but those of use who have risen from the abyss learn to enjoy life more. I had a long period off sick but now never feel angry for the past as each new day is a new beginning.
Staggeringly, it appears to occur to No one that being thrust into employment may be a step backwards - and bad news for someone's progress in improving mental health! it is certainly my experience that the stress I underwent in full-time employment was not simply unwelcome, it led to a down-ward spiral and big-time relapse. So just watch what you are offering as measures of progress in your restitution. because going round on a tread-mill or revolving door can be the most soul-destroying ordeal of them all. employment is not everything, and do not let government agents persuade you otherwise - they do not Know , they have no experience and are simply prescribing for others on topics on which they know next to nothing!
Ben
Thanks for your reply so quickly.
You have maintained work for a long time and I don't underestimate how difficult that must still be some days. I agree about the driving need to prove ourselves. I also find it hard to recognise what is good 'enough' and unless my work is perfect I worry I have done something wrong which might have all kinds of bad effects.
It is hard to live with the what ifs? Life does feel very random sometimes and all we can do is live with the uncertainty and for now at ;least, things are okay.
Its good that positive thinking works well for you. I used to find it tricky as however much I could tell myself that it was better to have these kind of thoughts and affirmations in mind they didn't ring true or it felt like other people were just minimising my problems. Now I think it's better to err on the side of positivity as things do work out even when we don't think it possible at the time. I know though that I am in a good place compared to the past and the situations other service users find themselves in currently.
If I spent all my time become less able to cope with what's ahead.
You clearly have embraced recovery and challenges - and that attitude will serve as an inspiration to me in the coming months. It's important for you to still come on this website too, clearly identifying with mental distress but needing to live through it as much as you are able to day by day. I find that having a difficult past can leave a painful legacy and it's still hard to make up for the gaps and often traumatic memories to keep moving forwards in hope. Do keep going as you need the recognition and helping hand too.
Alison
Rampbui
I completely respect your caution. I am working full time though had in fact been looking for part time work - it has been a surprise for me to do this but just happens to be a very good opportunity for me. I had also volunteered before this in a CAB where I had to respond to different callers' questions. In my first blog post you could also see that I am not advocating paid work for all (just because I have achieved that, whenever others in work might have said the same to me when I was not well enough to work I often raised objections that it shouldn't be forced). I feel concerned too that paid employment is seen as a recovery outcome when I know for many it might take a long time or just not be good for health and practical at any time. I worry too about the impact of welfare reforms on many people I know who understandably feel scared of the future. I am fortunate to be able to choose work at this time but I know that even a year or two ago the pressure would have been frightening, causing setbacks when the wrong move then.
I was very fearful of being thrust into employment, but this was my decision. I feel that my employment adviser allowed me to take the lead while giving me daily support, advice and help without which I might not be able to hold down this job.
I did want to write this to say that I am not someone who would use employment or benchmarks of recovery as we are all individual and it is a really difficult time in the jobs market and with a changing welfare system. I aimed to write the blogs only to show a journey of where appropriate work in the right conditions can be found and entered as a choice. I know though that this may be the exception at times but when it does happen I'm grateful too. Alison
Alison
I think your article and responses to comments above are well considered and inspirational. Good luck in your job and with living your life your way.
Katey
I have now given up al hope of getting a job. Had to leave volunteering becaus of bullying, yeh couldnt even manage a voluntary job without bullying. Survival of the fittist now and I am weak, tired depressed and I know there is no help. The Govt state facsists can do what they like to me now take away my benefits no one will stop them and do you know what I really don't care anymore.
Dear Linda, I'm sorry to read your comment - you sound like you are feeling really low. We can't offer support through the blog, but I hope you can reach out to some friends or family to talk through what you are going through. The Samaritans are also trained to listen and they are there 24/7 on jo@samaritans.org ot 08457 90 90 90. Take care, Taryn from Mind
I was really inspired by your blog. I too am aplying for jobs after being off work for 10 years. I am worried about how this will affect my mental health and if I will be able to cope. I have had several interviews recently for a wide range of jobs, but always appear to be second choice. I am trying to focus on the positivity of getting interviews and view them as good practice for 'the one'. I really want to work part time at first to give me the best possible chance of being successful in my new role. My voluntary work has been invaluable, and would recommend this to everyone. I have built up my skills and confidence, and now manage a service user led mental health organisation. All I need to do now is get paid for doing soimething similar!
Margaret
Thank you so much for what you say here. I think that voluntary work is a real way into paid work. If it hadn't been for my experience at CAB I know I wouldn't have been interviewed and that's in addition to confidence bringing and some sense that I could work at this point. The project you run must be really good and I think that more 'peer support' and user led organisations should secure significant funding (I found that when I was doing service user involvement a lot was expected voluntarily unless I went self employed for brief episodes which I didn't want with self assessment tax returns, though I could suggest organisations that help with this especially Tax Aid if you are on a low income). I don't know if this is something NSUN could help with or Mind.
I would admit that full time work is a lot at first and now I'm home from work early evening I feel ready for bed. I hope that a good part time opportunity finds you as you do deserve it and sounds like you are working hard, benefiting peers.
I know that my employment adviser told me that getting interviews was actually very good - there can be hundreds of applicants for one position (depressing fact too) so an interview is a good sign. I didn't expect this last interview to lead to success and so hope this does provide some light that you can eventually find work so don't give up. I'm glad I didn't get the jobs I was interviewed for before and it does feel that those times were practice for the one that was just right.
It must be hard to feel second choice though getting that far shows you have potential (having been off work for 10 years but working as hard as you have to help others - you should be proud of yourself whether in a job or not, what you do is incredibly valuable already and better than many paid jobs out there).
Well done Alison, I,m not there yet, but want to be, can I ask what type of therapy or other help worked for you, I just keep leaving jobs and want to work on this, I identified with you so much, best wishes, Liz
I do hope that you get to see this message Liz.
In terms of therapy that has helped me, I was offered one year's psychotherapy with a psychologist which will help me move on from mental health services (having been under them a long time due to my mental ill health starting when I was a teenager, was in eating disorders units over four years in the past). Previously, I saw a community psychiatric nurse for a long time who was excellent. She was consistent, experienced and while tough she was genuine in caring and wanting me to succeed to have some happiness in my life. If it wasn't for all the foundations laid with her and the keeping alive part of my journey I wouldn't be in this place of now working.
With work support, volunteering definitely turned things around for me. I spent longest and gave most to CAB and still feel proud of the work this organisation does. I would recommend CAB volunteering to other people and it gave me the chance to feel part of an important movement in advice that can empower so many who really need this. There are many other volunteer roles there too eg fundraising, admin, IT, campaigns.
With employment support, I have now a great employment support worker. She is really on the ball (often the specialists I work with and the match has been important). She's always listened to what I wanted to do and is very resourcesful - even now coming up with lots of suggestions as I adjust to a different kind of week.
If there is any other way I can help please let me/Mind know. It is a really difficult step to take and it took me many years not months but you are somewhere on the way to that position if it's right for you and what you want now. With leaving jobs, you deserve one that suits you and maybe now trying things out will help you arrive at that decision and realise the kind of work you are destined for. I feel for me this involves helping people and keeping some interests where the role is a support/administrative one now.
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