Posted: Friday 14 October 2011
This is a guest blog by Sharon Howard, part of a series this week to highlight our campaign to end mental health stigma, Time to Change.
In July this year I returned to work after a BPD crisis (which you can read about in my previous blog for Mind here).
At the time I felt incredibly lucky to have the full support of my manager, and that no other member of staff appeared to be treating me with ‘kid gloves’ or different in any way as result of the reason I had been off work for the last two months. I had already had a not so pleasant experience with occupational health, where they had basically recommended I hand in my notice as ‘further time off with this problem’ should I return to work would put me at risk of ‘disciplinary procedures’ and ‘potential dismissal’ – this attitude just made me all the more determined to return.
I knew that I needed to return sooner rather than later if I was going to return at all, and though I was not really ‘better’ I thought a phased return, part-time, would help me, by providing some ‘normality’. At the time I did not really consider the attitude of the occupational health worker to be stigmatising but looking back on it now, I guess it was really...
Stigma definition - A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person: "the stigma of mental disorder".
Borderline Personality Disorder is among one of the most stigmatised mental health conditions; those with BPD experience stigma and discrimination not only from the general public but often from the very people who are meant to help them – Mental Health Professionals. The perceived ‘negative attributes’ of a person with BPD range from general ‘weakness’ of character to ‘dangerous’ and with professionals the consideration of us as ‘untreatable’ is a regular contributor to stigmatising and discriminatory behaviour, in that some professionals will go to great lengths to avoid having a patient with BPD on their list!
One of the biggest problems is that when you tell people you have a mental health problem they tend to ‘assume’ they know what you mean, they don’t bother to ask, don’t listen if you try to tell them, and can’t be bothered to find out for themselves what it really means. These assumptions lead to inaccurate stereotyping, stigma and discrimination – as you can see in my experience at work.
How then does this mean that my experience with occupational health was a case of being stigmatised? It boils down to the fact of the implication by the occupational therapist that I would be more likely to having recurring periods of ‘sickness’ and the veiled ‘threat’ of how this would be treated. Would she have said the same to a person who had broken their leg, had two months off and was considering a phased return on lighter duties to ensure they were fully up to the job again before going full-time? Well the short answer is NO; there would be no assumption that this person would have further time off sick as a result of their problem... I’m sure you can think of other examples where a person may be off work for a prolonged period and their return would NOT result in the kind of attitude I experienced (and yes, I’m sure there are others where they would – but these are also likely to be illnesses or disabilities that are commonly subject to stigma and discrimination!).
I had returned to work with a very supportive boss, despite the lack of support from occupational health and things were going well... or so it seemed. I was struggling, my anxiety was through the roof and even though everyone was great, my anxiety kept climbing. Then being summer and having a lot of annual leave to use up I had three weeks off at the end of August. This time off came as a huge relief from the anxiety, which I had been keeping to myself as I thought it was ‘normal’ to be anxious returning to work after having so long off!
After my holiday I returned to work again, just as anxious, if not more so, than before. I popped in to have a chat with my boss, still very supportive we agreed I wasn’t ready to increase my hours further yet and she would refer me back to Occupational health so she could have written support for keeping me on reduced hours for a longer period.
As I left her office another senior member of staff stopped me and asked me if I had completed my induction pack yet, which I hadn’t as I had not been there much and no-one had been training me on any of the aspects in it... she wasn’t pleased and requested I get it completed by the end of the month. I agreed to do so but felt very stressed and under pressure at this request given that I was still on very minimal hours with little flexibility or ‘free time’ to fit it in, along with the fact I was not being rotated around the department to cover all the aspects in the pack. I would have to get some help for this! I went through to the department where another member of staff briefly spoke with me about my hair colour (I have red, blue and purple streaks in my black hair) as she found them very impressive.
I then went through to collect a patient and on my return the boss was waiting and asked if she could speak to me. I had been in the building less than 10 minutes. I went to the office and she stated that a member of staff had reported smelling alcohol on me.
I was shocked and disturbed, and said as much, along with saying that of course I had not been drinking, the only thing remotely ‘alcohol’ that had been near me was the alcohol hand rub we ALL had to use (being a clinical setting). My boss agreed she was also shocked at the accusation having spoke to me herself on a few minutes earlier, but that of course she had to check – I understood this completely, a boss must check if an accusation is made! However, what had upset me and made me want to burst into tears, run home and never come back, was the sheer fact that someone had even suggested this clearly very false and dangerous accusation!
Regardless of the many problems I do have as a result of my BPD, alcohol isn’t one of them, which makes the accusation all the more hurtful – it appears to be based on some kind of ‘assumption’ about my mental health! I bottled up my feelings and emotions and went back to work, determined to show them that they couldn’t get to me that easily (after all it was one of the only 2 other people I had spoken to who must have made the accusation) whatever their reasons, I was going to do my job and not let their ‘issues’ detract from what I needed to get on with – even though I really just wanted to scream, cry and hurt myself... I made it through the day and being only on 3 days a week hoped I could use the next day to deal with my emotions ready to go back the day after.
I managed to go in on my next day, but it was an immense struggle to get myself out of bed, showered and dressed, I left it till the very last minute, having spent the morning crying with anxiety. Thoughts of ‘what might they accuse me of next?’ going round in my head, tormenting me. I got through that day as well, but another member of staff mentioned my induction pack and this stressed me out even more.
The next day was my day off again, but at 4pm I received a call from my boss, concerned that people were asking where I was, apparently I was on the rota for the day and had also been on the rota for my other non-working day. She wanted to check as she thought we had agreed I was still on three days but looking at the rota which had me down for 5 she wasn’t sure if she had made mistake. I told her that yes, we had agreed I was still on 3 days, and she apologized for having disturbed me and would see me tomorrow.
The next morning came and I was distraught, I couldn’t do it, could not go in. I decided I would pop in and speak to my boss, explain that I needed to take some more time and hand in a sick note. I collected a self-certification form from my GP and took it in. My boss bought my occupational health appointment forward and I got a full sick-note from my GP for a month.
In the time I was waiting to go to occupational health I came to a decision. I wasn’t going to return again. The reason, my ongoing anxiety definitely played a part, but more than anything I just didn’t feel ‘comfortable’ or ‘part of the team’. I now felt like the only person who was supportive was my boss. I handed in my notice at the start of October and I really feel that stigma and discrimination have played a huge role in things reaching this point. If people understood more about mental health, if they took the time to listen, ask and learn rather than ‘assume’ things might have turned out differently.
Sharon Howard
Sharon has her own personal blog. You can also follow her on Twitter @SharonHoward09.
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I really can't say anything constructive to you about your experiences except that I am so very sorry you've had to go through this. I also have BPD and I can truly say that the most hurtful of all the various assumptions that people make about this condition is the one that we are in some way dangerous (I literally couldn't and wouldn't hurt anything or anybody - just me).
I entered the European term for BPD - Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder into the BBC news search engine and was horrified by how many stories came up about people with BPD/EUPD committing some pretty terrible crimes and yet no explanations or information about this crippling disorder were forthcoming. In short it appears that we are the new media 'scapegoats' and this is in serious need of address.
I now hide from the world, I barely leave the house and don't feel I'll ever lead a normal life again. Why? Stigma.
Awful. Ive had some experiences of stigma which i dudnt realise at the time questioning my competency and when igot physically sick later people refused to believe me and wrote me a bad reference which nearly wrecked my career in mental health
Hi L.D.C
Thanks for you comment. I know what you mean about the 'dangerous' label and I too would'nt and couldn't physically hurt anyone but myself (and any indirect emotional hurt I cause is just that 'indirect')
After a separate incident involving my only social activity I too barely leave the house now - social media is my world now.
I had thought that I was one of the 'lucky' ones who had avoided any real stigma, but I just had'nt recognised it :(
Hi Lisa,
Sorry to hear that, references in the future are something I am concerned about now, as while it is illegal to give a 'bad' reference as such a 'factually accurate' reference can be just as damaging :S
I'm glad you were able to share your experience with us.
It is very hard to juggle BPD and work let alone face this stigma.
I've had to take time out of employment to give myself time to recover,
I wish we could end this stigma. Take care
Hi Betsy,
Hope you're time out works well for you! Yes, ending the stigma would be great, I wonder how achievable it is in reality though...?
I struggled to return to work having been off for 12 months with depression, like you my boss was very supportive and arranged for me to go in 15 hours a week as a volunteer, which I did over 3 days to get my foot in the door.
However, I only managed 10 weeks back in the workplace. Looking back it was too soon, as not only had I left an abusive marriage, (which was what had lead to the depression), but my dad had also died suddenly and unexpectedly during my 12 months off work.
I was off work for a further 9 months and when I felt ready to return I had to have a meeting with my boss, a HR rep and the Occ Health Nurse, who said that while I felt ready to return to work they did not feel that I was well enough to return to my previous role. (I had been a nurse). They asked me what I thought I could do and off the top of my head I said admin work.
I was transferred to another community hospital, as there were no admin vacancies at the one at which I had been working. I was intially told that I would be supporting another admin worker, as her workload was too heavy for her. However, it soon became apparent that I was being trained to do her job, as an admin audit had just taken place and the admin at the hospital was being reorganised in the light of this, which would mean that of the two part time jobs that she did, the one would be made full time and she would be doing this, so I would be taking over her other part time job.
This was not what I had been told intially and caused me a great deal of anxiety, as not only was I returning to a new workplace after a protracted period off sick, but I was doing a job that was completely new to me and that I was not trained to do. I was basically learning on the job.
I stuck the job out for 12 months, mainly as I worked for a very supportive team and I had very supportive friends who I could talk to out of work. However, 12 months later the job again changed, which was incredibly stress inducing and I was off work again.
Sharon - really sorry to read that your return to work has not worked out for you, despite support being in place.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and i hope you recover well from what sounds like quite a nightmare. The 'alcohol hand rub' incident is dreadful - you have been treated very badly indeed.
I wonder if there is any legal action you can take? Can Time to Change offer that or any other kind of support ?
HI Sue,
Thanks for sharing your experience, sounds like you have had a really rough time too! And considering both of us were employed in such settings (was yours NHS?) you would think they might be better placed to 'get it right' than smaller less knowledgeable organisations!? How are you doing now? are you working currently?
Hi A Mind supporter
Thank you for your comment. I had not thought about taking any action. I guess not having out in a complaint at the time rules that out now? Also the only supportive person (my boss) is now off herself having been severely injured in an accident so the one person who could support me is unable to now... :(
Another victim of the neo facist organisation calling itself the NHS. If it wasn't for that BDP diagnosis you wouldn't have been bullied out of your job. Bout time someone took responsiility for this. No anti stigma campaign can outlaw the ingrained hatret society has for us, what we need is good lawyers and compensation. here's a poem called it clinical insult
Excuse me while I act out your label
all is so clear
you have handed me the weopons of destruction
to fit into your cold analysis
of the warm world blinking over the cold soul
without a self
who cannot understand how it became so easy
for them to soul kill
so excuse me while I act out your label
yours not mine
shaking hands with the enemy who can do no wrong
you have given them the perfect weapon
no stopping them now
as my letters remain unanswered
while i am so good, so good so good
dreaming of the choice of this and nothing
until nothing
becomes the real
i wake up early to the days yawn
shorn of all purpose
no one will touch the hand that burrns
or the brain that screams
I am the living breathing example
the force field
protecting the eyes that see me
because 'they will never end up like that'
as they hold hands with the guilty
bending word, stroking power
that kills, that kills, that kills.
Hi Linda,
Great poem. While I live in hope that the great work of MInd and other organisations like them will make a difference one only has to look at society to see that change will be minimal if any. Racism is the prime example of how little progress has been made to reduce stigma and inequalities - what hope do we have with how little change has truly occurred for them!? :(
I feel that there is a great stigma surrounding a BDP diagnosis, I can relate to all the aspects of your story, I have had 3 experiences in the work place, and each incident (each in a different job) was worse. My first experience was back in 2009, when I left my job at an insurance company (after working there for 18 months, the longest job I've ever had in my life, and now I realise that I only stayed there, as I had support from a couple of people), at the time, I didnt know that I had BDP, and I had not received a formal diagnosis of depression, however I started getting angry, as some members of staff did not like me, and would talk behind my back, and I would then be told about this by my other colleagues, after 6 months of that, I had enough and one day I just left in the middle of the day, I got HR involved and I told them that I wanted to raise a grievance against my boss (as she was bullying me prior to this, as her image of me was changed after so many negative comments about me, and also because I had 9 days of sick leave during the year, as I was not feeling well). After I left, HR wrote to me telling me that they were looking into my claim (for bulliying in the work place) and they said that they could not find another department in the company to place me in, so they would offer paying me one month's wages and ending my employment with the company (without me having to hand in my one month's notice), fortunately, I had another job by the time this happened, and it was more or less a similar situation, this time, I started off great, and everybody liked me, and I was liked by many of my colleagues, it was all good, but 9 months down the line, I had a new manager, and her reviews were not the best, which made me grow anxious, on top of that, most of my good colleagues left and I found myself alone, doing a job that I loathed and without any mates, during all this time, I had also been in a relationship with an abussive partner, this made me sick
after receiving negative reviews from my boss, and dealing with my ex abussive partner, I was signed off for stress for 1 month, and after that, I came back to work, when I came back, I felt extremely awkward as everybody was asking me, if I had a very bad flu or something (when I know that in reality they all know that I had been signed off for mental health reasons) everybody was treating me in a very alienating matter, as they didnt know what was wrong with me, because of this, I couldn't bear the anxiety and I resigned, I managed to resign before a disciplinary hearing, as my former manager was very cross at me for being away for 1 month (when I came back, I was asked to have a meeting with them, and my boss said to me that the next time that I am sick, I must think of my colleague's work load and my other former manager asked me how motivated was I about keeping my job), fortunately I left before they sacked me and I managed to leave with a good reference.
After that, I decided to get a job in a new kind of field (travel) which I loved, and I felt that I would fit in perfectly. I found a new company, the work was still stressful, but I enjoyed working there, and I liked all my colleagues and I was happy, by this time I had received a BDP diagnosis, and many times I struggled to go to work, as sometimes I couldn't even get out of bed, nevertheless I never took a day off work, as I didnt want to have any time off, because I was glad to work there, I also didnt take any annual leave, however 9 months after working there, my boss fired me (under the excuse that I had not passed my probation). Since I had medical records that proved that I was under medical treatment at the time of my employment, I managed to qualify for legal aid, and I took the company to an employment tribunal....everything was going great, and it was very likely that I would win the case, until my case was seen by an employment judge in a pre-case hearing, in which he didnt favour me
After this, I did not qualify for legal aid, as I had less chances of wining, and I have been left unemployed for over a year, living on benefits and still waiting for a therapyst, as I've been for over 11 months on a waiting list, on top of that, I haven't had the best support from the health care professionals that have dealt with my cases. I can only say that it feels horrible to receive a diagnosis of BDP and then be treated by employers as an 'excentric, annoying, lazy, self centred' individual. I only hope that with time there will be more public awareness with regards to mental health issues.
Dear Lizandro
I'm so sorry to hear of all the troubles you have had with work, it all sounds so familiar! I hope things improve for you and the rest of us stuck in these terrible predicaments of wanting to work but being unable to find employment that supports us well enough! xx
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