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Book Review - Diary Drawings: Mental Illness and Me
Posted Friday 26 August 2011
This is a guest post by Sharon and part of our series on the shortlist for Mind’s 2011 Book of the year awards.
I have been reading a few books, biographies and reference books, related to borderline personality disorder in order to better understand my own diagnosis. This is the first book I have read that isn’t ‘word’ heavy.
Diary Drawings: Mental Illness and Me serves as an autobiography of artist Bobby Baker (BB) who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in 1996, when she was in her 40s.
Throughout her 11-year-journey in the mental health system she recorded diary entries in the form of drawings (hence the title ‘diary drawings’). The collection was exhibited at the Wellcome Collection in 2009.
Through 158 drawings and 17 stages we follow BB as she battles, not only with her mental health, but later with cancer as well.
Marina Warner (author, lecturer and curator) gives an introduction to BB’s incredible journey to recovery, drawing parallels between her work and that of other artists whose work charts the workings of their minds.
The earliest stages are filled with images of despair, harmful intent, blood and provoking self-portraits. Her desire to ‘keep going’ despite her problems and that letting go of the ‘good things in my life would be the beginning of the end’ are sentiments I share.
As she moves on, other people - professionals and friends - feature strongly along with images that express her inner and external turmoil. Throwing herself into her work and home life is a survival tactic that resonates strongly with me. You can see her progress is tainted by change as her sessions at the day centre and drawings reduce in frequency and responsibilities become overwhelming. Paranoia kicks in.
As I reached the halfway point of the book I almost felt cheated by the lack of words. Pictures give an insight into what is BB thinking and feeling but I wanted to know more. Other than a few lines with some images and a brief intro to each stage, there is little commentary to give me the answers to the questions that I had. They say a picture can convey a thousand words, but we are interpreting her feelings and emotions without her input to explain them; I would have liked to see more commentary - being a ‘wordy’ person myself...
Stage 10 was the most moving stage for me; the first image made me freeze with fear (Picture 518). The commentary on the high level of fatalities during the recovery process really scared me. I am just starting on my own treatment journey and I had a sudden urge to not want to face this... meanwhile BB was flicking from submersion to elation and back again.
Dissociation and paranoia are show as people dressed in purple fleeces spying on BB. They are an interesting set of images and have reflections of the self ‘diving in’, drowning or under attack. I laughed at the image of an occupational health professional represented as a ‘Hitler’ figure (Day 560) – during my last visit to occupational health I felt like I was being interrogated by a Nazi!
As BB’s mum approaches death, and she herself is diagnosed with breast cancer, hospitals feature heavily along with a vision of her father looking after them (Day 668, he died in 1966). Despite losing her mother, Stage 17 leaves us with a ‘happy ending’ as BB moves on to a new era of her life - beyond the mental health system.
The final image ‘Beyond the Stages’ (Day 711) is my favourite image. It illustrates a daily stream of consciousness. People stroll across a bridge over a river, which runs from the head down the nose, mouth, chin, and neck to the chest. With grass shoulders, the bridge is like hair. It is a very positive and warming image.
In BB’s essay ‘For the Record’, a postscript to the drawings, she attempts to address some of the questions asked by visitors to exhibition of the drawings at the Welcome Trust. She describes how keeping busy, a trait I share, helps maintain the ‘facade of normal life’.
She talks about how she wasn’t judged for having cancer, which made it easier to be open about having the condition. In contrast she feels she was judged much more for her mental health issues. She gives suggests areas where mental health care can be improved, such as changes to diagnostic systems and communication between NHS teams. Finally she leaves us with some questions of her own...
Finally BB’s daughter Dora explains how she saw the drawings as a child, how they communicated what they weren’t always told. She also describes her emotional journey during the production of the exhibition.
Overall, ‘Diary Drawings’ is an interesting insight into one woman’s experiences in a form that is easy to follow, although it leaves you wanting to know more. The drawings have a simple childlike quality, if people without mental illness were to draw their ‘inner selves’ I feel we would see much of the same – these are images of thoughts, feelings, emotions that are not isolated to being mentally ill. This book would speak to people from all experiences and backgrounds not just those who have experienced mental illness.
Sharon Howard
6 Comments
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It seems you have internalised the language of the medical model Sharon and use it continuously. Speaking about someone in terms of a personality disorder is to not see them or their work and creativity in its full scope. (On a pedantic point, a personality disorder isn't classified as an illness, so one cannot speak of being ill).
By the comment you made to me before, you don't seem to see that a person could leave psychiatry behind completely and get on with their life without it. You say you read these books to understand your own 'diagnosis' which is fair enough as we are all entitled to your opinion. We can try and understand ourselves, not our 'diagnosis', through art and writing.
But it is possible to reject the concept completely and just live, accepting yourself as you are. You replied to me saying you hoped I'd get something positive from psychiatry - very provocative comment when I'd said what damage has been done to me by psychiatry. I don't have anything to do with psychiatry and haven't for over 20 years and my file's destroyed. Why the assumption that someone would have to still be involved? I've been independent for many years.
Why judge this women's art in terms that psychiatrists would use themselves?
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Hi Dymphna
Apologies for the delay replying - holidays.
I'm not sure what you mean by me having 'internalised the medical model... and use it continuously'. The intention of the book and the work it contained was to express a journey with a mental health condition so to not refer to this would be missing the point of the story? I don't feel I have judged BB's work in terms psychiatrists would use, just what it portrays to me. Although I do come from a scientific academic background so my language may naturally be inclined in that manner?
I'm sorry if you found my previous comment provocative, that was not my intention. You had not mentioned then that it has been over 20 years since you have been involved with psychiatry, my comment was meant as a supportive, encouragement that you just might not yet have found the 'right' support to have the positive experiences, but I can understand why you wouldn't want any further involvement after the damage it caused. But a lot has changed in 20 years so others experiences may be very different today...?
For me the need to gain some 'support' in the mental health system is important for survival - I am not coping well on my own (well I do and have at times) but overall when the metaphoric 'shit hits the fan' I crack and crumble, unable to cope and I want to 'recover' not just accept myself as I am - because this isn't 'living' it's existing. I want to get beyond the diagnosis and past the 'bad' me that does all these horrible things to try and destroy my own life and achievements - and this is something I cannot do alone, if I could I would not have ended up in A&E in April...? I also don't want my diagnosis to 'damage' me or to be 'scraping around the bottom of society doing rubbishy jobs' due to my diagnosis, if anything I am hoping to (with help) turn it to my advantage to help my progress (as sort of 'look what I can do, despite my diagnosis' to those that like to look down their noses at us, if you know what I mean?).
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'But a lot has changed in 20 years so others experiences may be very different today...?'
I've heard this so many times. Sometimes I think people think if they say it enough times that will make it true.
I had contact with organisations associated with mental health and social services up until the year 2000 and my records are full of the same old rubbish: that I'm a liar, exaggerating, blaming me etc. It only stopped because I stopped having contact with any service. I have no reason to believe things have change. I have continued to support others as an advocate and have seen only negative, more repressive changes.
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Hi Dymphna
It is very sad to hear how bad you have had it, and I must agree that I have not had any positive experiences myself - luckily nothing as bad as what you have endured. Maybe I'm naive (my diagnosis was only last year) as I 'hope' to find something positive out there, I have read of people who have had positive experiences, I guess that's why I feel 'open-minded' (?) about the possibility at such an early stage in my journey? My biggest issue is facing a brick wall of zero support. All I have is my private psychotherapist, who is a lovely lady, but I dont know how much 'help' she can/will really be :/ -
Hello Sharon
I think it's really good that you've got a psychotherapist and I do think that's positive. The NHS counselling/psychotherapy can be pulled out from under your feet after a certain number of sessions, something I feel very strongly about. It's more dangerous than not having any therapy sometimes: to start something, maybe unearth very strong emotions and then suddenly have no support. I hope it goes well - because you like her that is a good sign.
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Hi Dymphna,
Thank you, I hope it will go well too, I'm just concerned about the ongoing cost (I'm back off work now, anxiety got too much for me, so my income is dropping and will soon be zero). But yes, I can see how having a limited amount of support from the nhs could be very damaging. Although with my situation I may reach that point with paying privately sooner than I would like also :/
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