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Photographing BPD
Posted Monday 8 August 2011
Guest post from Daniel about chanelling his experience of BPD through photographyBorderline Personality Disorder – for those who are unaware – is a mental health condition thought to affect approximately 2 per cent of the population. Its primary feature of emotion dysregulation can have drastic effects on the lives of its sufferers and can lead to long-term misery without a diagnosis.
In my case it took almost a decade for me to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), a label that I am still ambivalent about accepting. Whilst at times I may identify with the diagnosis criteria, at other times I am ashamed of the characteristics of BPD and the portrayal of the condition within the media.
Between ages fourteen to nineteen I had bounced from various mental health professionals all under the blanket diagnosis of depression. Whilst I exhibited some of the symptoms of depression, I remember feeling confused, alone, and hopeless that someone would never find something that closely described how I felt and explained why I acted the way I did.
At eighteen I discovered my love for photography. I had never been much of an artist and had originally intended to become a writer. Instead I found myself enrolling for a photography degree, unaware of my future but knowing that this is what I wanted to do, all day every day. Whilst many of my coursemates took their photography very seriously from a commercial aspect, I became absorbed in my photography in a different way.
As a quiet and somewhat insular teenager I had always kept my thoughts and feelings to myself, preferring to internalise everything than to let my emotions out. This changed when I picked up my camera.
Much as a writer can form a beautiful poem to represent their feelings, over time I was able to create images that represented the range of emotions that I had kept bottled up all this time.
Taking photographs for me had become my own form of art therapy, although at the time I had no idea just how important this would become. In some ways, photography really did save my life.
Whilst I wouldn’t want to wish BPD upon anybody, I can definitely thank BPD for helping me to create some of the photographs I'm most proud of. The ups and downs of BPD have continuously enabled me to channel the feelings I would normally hide into something else. Photography has also helped me feel that I have been able to achieve something as a result of having a mental disorder.
The importance of art in my life has time and time again changed my outlook on how to deal, manage and cope with BPD. Art has taught me that there are no limits to what you can create from emotion and that, at times, it can be greatly appreciated by not just yourself but others too.
I was diagnosed with BPD at 23. When that label was finally placed on me I knew that I needed to interpret this with and into images. It took three years of dealing with the condition and the beginning of my successful therapy course (DBT) to lead me to creating my type B project (Warning: some images on this website may be triggering for some people), a visual interpretation of the diagnostic criteria for BPD. A series of powerful and striking images that I’m sure many BPD sufferers can identify with.
Daniel Regan
A selection of Daniel's photos are below; click on the image to view a larger verion.
View all of the photographs in the series and find out more about Daniel's photography project around BPD, type B, and his other work at danielregan.com (Trigger warning: Some images on this website may be triggering for some people.)
18 Comments
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BPD is just a label and a highly stigmatised one at that.. I call what I have Post Extremely Crap Childhood Disorder (PECD)...basically it means you did not have a chance to develop emotional skills because of childhood circumstances. It brings pain but also possiblity if you live with insight.
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Very true! It's very easy for people to look at others that have a "diagnosis" and believe that we fit the criteria with little else left for our real personalities. I have a disorder, that doesn't mean I'm JUST borderline!
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I completely agree on the whole stigma of having BPD. I'm still to find my release. Especially with having the emotions I have for 13 years and being diagnosed for only one. Hopefully I will find mine soon and it will be just as beautiful as the photos.
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Hi,
This article is really inspiring - as a writer with BPD, I can really empathise with you, as I too was carted from pillar to post as a teenager under the miss-diagnosis of depression.
It is great to read that you have found a positive outlet for your condition, and I wish you the best of luck.
Laura May :) -
Carry on with your photography, its clearly something your good at and enjoy. Basically its neither here nor there as to whether having 'BDP' makes one more creative. I used to write short stories when I was young but years of chronic depression means I just can't even think of a plot never mind write one. Most great writers/artists/composers never suffered mental illness, they just used their talents, hard work and imaginations. I think its tempting to beleive that having such problems means there is inherent gifts within us just waiting to come out. Perhaps because society closes so many doors to us we like to think we are somehow misunderstood closet genuises (rather like the celebrity sufferers). That does not mean I will stop writing when I can but depression is a hindrence not a help.
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thats brilliant especially the last one. I also like ceridwyns PECD!
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I also have BPD and find photography a great outlet.
Daniel - you're very inspirational. I tried to email you on the email address displayed on your website but it doesnt work!
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I have to agree with you Linda, my own distress just kills my creativity and abilities. I can be creative but it's in spite of my difficulties not because of them. I too question the creative genius and madness link, mostly celebrated and attached to Bipolar and Schizophrenia diagnoses.
I also feel cynical about some of the celebrity sufferers who get diagnosed in an afternoon and showered with accolades for doing so. Or showered with awards after fronting a show or programme. This is in stark contrast to more ordinary people without pre-existing wealth, status, etc which means they have many more choices and work in industries which which are more tolerant. Taking sick leave in high end showbusiness is not the same as taking sick leave working for a supermarket and many of the celebs have not experienced NHS mental health services and treatments. Of those few who have [Adam Ant] they don't get showered with accolades. At least the affluent have choices in even doing their art and managing their distress. Amy Winehouse's death was sad but it was not as tragic compared to 15 people in one area who have killed themselves because of welfare cuts according to one disability group. They never had the choices that Amy did and they are nameless. I've seen many good artists [all mediums] who are service users who never get a good break, can't get funded, or whose art is relegated to interesting 'therapy' for others observation rather than damn good art in it's own right. I share your view that Daniel is good at photography and would be so without a diagnosis of BPD. -
I've looked through all the work on Daniels site and think they are fantastic. I suffer from a number of mental issues myself and think they are represented brilliantly. But, I do think that there should be a warning on either the MIND website, or his own regarding the scarification section which features two models who have self harmed in the past. Seeing such images can act as a triger to those recovering from self harm and should be viewed with caution.
Regards, Hari -
@Linda, Mindreader:
I don't think that BPD makes you more creative. You've got to be creative to start with! I certainly don't think that having depression or a mental illness CREATES a good artist, but I do believe that it can give scope to create a deeper subject matter from pain that may have been suffered. Great songs and art that can touch us can be as a result of that, but not exclusively created by those with mental illness, obviously. Personally speaking - and I am talking just about my experiences with art - I try to look at my experiences with BPD as a positive when it comes to the images that I create. BPD has had many, many downsides in my life but it has spurred me on to create images I'm proud of. If not immediately (I also understand the hindrance you mention) then later on when I have managed to reach a level of clarity.
I appreciate your positivity surrounding my talent. I think what I'm getting at is that without BPD and the experiences it has brought I wouldn't have created some of the images as a result. Because simply put without having BPD those things wouldn't have happened for me to create art from. Whether I would be a good photographer without BPD, well, we'll never know...
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label schmabel, i'll always love you daniel regan you effortlessly talented bugger. xx
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i have a duel diognosis bpd and bi-polar but feel stunted emotionally so whats the lable about!!! i am a very creative person but struggle with my own feelings towards it and the thoughts of others that are expressed! i think the sadest thing for me is that i dont feel i will ever be 'normal' whatever that is? will i ever enjoy my life as i am with these lables or ever just be ME?
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Sometimes you've just got to forget these labels and start living...
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That can be quite hard for some people Daniel they have been so damaged by the label and are not treated as 'normal' by others. I've listened to women state that forced ECT was worse for them than this diagnosis and they've never recovered their own sense of self, it's the iatrogenic damage which is the real killer followed the internalisation of clinical caricatures.
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Hi Hari, thanks for pointing that out to us. We've added a trigger warning next to Daniel's website links.
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Pictures of healed scars in themselves don't distress me but it does depend on the context. Daniel's work is fine by me, although scarification as body adornment is not the same as self-injury which is not typically about body adornment, it's more typically an expression of extreme distress in order to survive, transcend or cope with it. That's not typically the same as scarification.
I object to clinical literature which often have the inset pictures of a forearm with criss cross cuts to illustrate an article on self-harm. Similarly women's mags, newspapers and documentary's which focus gratuitously on a person's scarring - these are sometimes no better than the 5 stone naked before/after shots of the anorexic.
There is a tendency within the media and medicine to use people's bodies in a way which is pornographic. People are sometimes cajoled into having their actual injuries photographed in A&E departments or by surgeons for no clinical reason and these photo's are used in training & education without written consent. This can be deeply distressing to service users.
Sadly there is a small section of online material which does the same as a pro-ana site with pictures of fresh bleeding wounds and these are profoundly damaging, they teach nothing and conform to medicines worst stereotypes. What is put in the public domain impacts on everyone and I wish those individuals would not do so.
Pictures of open wounds/scars through being exploited by the media or bullied by clinicians are never acceptable.
So a photography project where people have healed scars and have consented is absolutely fine by me but my only suggestion Daniel is that you make it clear that self-injury and scarification/piercing are not always the same things.
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I remember a programme about young offenders where a girl who had previously self-harmed was being interviewed. She was wearing long sleeves but her sleeve just happened to ride up a touch as she was talking - the way the camera instantly zoomed in to this tiny little flash of a scar was sickening, as if it didn't matter what she was saying (she wasn't even talking about self-harm at the time), all that mattered was getting that scar shot.
A couple of years ago a doctor took photographs of an injury of mine, even now I shudder to think how that photograph has been used and the way it will have been received by some people. OK sure he asked my permission at the time but I was put on the spot and didn't get time to fully think through the future implications. It's one thing to have a student doctor in with you to learn something; it's quite another to know there's a photograph of a part of your body floating around medical schools for years to come.
I've never understood why people post pictures and videos of fresh cuts online. It's clear that in some cases the cut was made with the sole intention of making a video - one has to question the reasoning behind it when someone gets the camera ready *before* the event.
The media have a lot to answer for. But individuals have a responsibility too. Mindreader is right to say that what is in the public domain impacts on everyone, and it's our responsibility to ensure that any image or description we put out there will not negatively affect others. I'd agree that there needs to be a distinction between scarification/body mods and self-injury. Scarification can be cool (depending on your taste), self-injury most certainly is not.
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I don't have BPD, I have schizophenia, I just wanted to say that I think your photography is amazing, its so expressive and i especially liked the white and black cracked face at the end.
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