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Self-harm and the workplace
Posted Wednesday 18 May 2011
Guest post from Rhian. Part of our series on mental health at work for Mind's Taking care of business campaign.
Warning: please be aware this post contains self-harm triggers.
I started working for a supermarket chain as a temp initially. I had been working in warehouses, sweeping up and doing other manual jobs — cleaning, putting boxes together, things that didn’t really require much effort on my part — but this job was in an office, and for a few months at least. I needed the money, and I figured an office would be warmer, plus the hours were 12 noon to 8pm so I didn’t have to get up first thing.
It was a good job. I could sit down, and the people were nice: for a long time I managed as well as I ever did. I was cutting semi-regularly when I started, and continued to do so. I was also in therapy when I started, and went every Friday. My employer was pretty good about letting me go; I had Fridays off, and worked the Sunday shift instead. I got a permanent job in the office, and continued to be able to take Fridays off for therapy.
I disclosed some of my mental health problems to my supervisor when I came on board permanently, though I wasn’t sure whether I should or not. My mum said I shouldn’t, because they would refuse me the job, but I figured it wasn’t likely — I had been there for three months already, had been offered the job, the forms and contracts asking for my health history were a formality. I kept working in the office, doing the 12 noon - 8pm shift, going to therapy weekly, and continued to cut. My bosses knew about my anxiety and depression, but only that I suffered.
I managed to cope quite well for the first few months. Cope with the work, getting there on time, and the people (about 100 worked there, only eight of us were women) — the social interaction was the most difficult bit. The job was easy, answering the phones (which I hated, but it got easier over time) and data entry on a system older than me.
After a while it got harder. I started to work too hard, doing too much overtime, working long hours, arguing with people, managers. After I had been there three years, I stopped therapy (it didn’t help much) and was on the maximum dose of Seroxat. I was also on Tegretol to regulate my moods, after one of my disagreements with a manager got out of hand. I was cutting regularly at work and taking a couple of weeks off at a time as my depression and anxiety worsened.
The disagreement with the manager ended up with me going through disciplinary action at work. I was lucky, because without my employer knowing my history, I don’t think they would’ve understood that it wasn’t necessarily me that blew up that day, but my mental health taking a nose dive.
I kept my job and explained that my psychiatrist had put me on more medication. If I hadn’t had told them about my preexisting mental health conditions, I would’ve been out of a job. I’ve seen people fired for much less than swearing at a manager (and some other things).
I was cutting at work most days, for various reasons. I hid the cutting quite well. People knew I had cut, because I went through a good period where I didn’t do it for months and could show my arms and the scars. However, once I started cutting again, I hid it well. I’d been cutting for years at this point and was pretty good at hiding it.
My supervisor worried about me, a couple of the managers too. Some people stared at the scars, some people avoided looking entirely. It was the same as if I had been walking about in town.
I don’t know if anyone knew I was cutting at work. I hid it, of course, but I was spending a lot of time in the toilets, moving my arms very carefully. No one said anything about the self-harm, if they knew, just the other aspects of my mental health, the panic attacks and depression.
I had panic attacks at work too. I would often sit in the managers' office or in the meeting room, in the quiet, until I calmed down again. I had panic attacks for various reasons — some work-related, some not, some for no reason whatsoever.
When I realised I was doing too much work, my employers were helpful. I was able to change shifts slightly, and I tried this twice, although it didn’t make a difference. The job was pretty much the same morning or evening: same supervisors, same managers, and while I liked the job, and the people, and the shifts (once I was working sensible hours), it didn’t really make much of a difference. Which is why I don’t work now.
I left this workplace officially in April 2010, but stopped working there around October 2009. I was cutting every day, taking non-fatal overdoses (called para-suicide), drinking, panicking regularly and my mood was terrible, despite the medication and therapy I'd had earlier.
I left work and went into full-time therapy, five days a week, for a full year at a therapeutic community. I had to really try to change things. I couldn’t keep going on as I was; eventually I would’ve ended up killing myself. It was the best decision I’ve made for years, and now I’m back in Wales, near my family, I rarely drink, I haven’t taken an overdose for over a year and have cut once in 18 months.
Whether I will work again is another matter, I don’t know how well I am, or if I will end up taking huge steps backwards in my mental health. The anxiety and depression are still prevalent, and I’m scared of ending up on some toilet floor, cutting again in the middle of the work day.
I would certainly divulge my mental health to prospective employers, as my experience at my last workplace was quite positive. I am big believer in talking about mental health problems and trying to reduce the stigma around it all, especially self-harm.
This post was originally published on Rhian's blog.
Need advice or information?
- Self-harm - Mind info and advice
- Dealing with mental health issues at work - Mind advice
- Stress, depression and mental health support at work - guidance and resources from Time to Change
9 Comments
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Rhian thank you for sharing your story. Although you aren't working now it sounds as if there was some support for you at work. I have started to disclose at work because I am tired of feeling like I have a shameful secret. So far everyone has been supportive. Good luck to you.
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hi..ive suffered for meny years with anixity and panick attacks, and depression..i have not self harmed..but i noticed you said you were taking seroxat...i took it for a few years, but never felt ok....i saw a program on the drug seroxat...and it was talking about the side affects...they werent good.....but it didnt say about all the other people that it was working for.....i changed my meds....it was very hard to come off seroxat..but i did it.....for a long time now ive felt much more incontroll.....only a suggestion for you,,and hope it helps....take care
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Hi Rhian
Thanks for posting. It's so good to hear that other people have had support from their employers, too. My manager is great - she understands very little about my condition and my therapy, but offers support in whatever way she can and is willing to find out more. I'm still very shy about telling people, and very few of my colleagues know, but have recently had a similar experience where my condition was being made worse by certain things at work. It was much easier to talk to my manager about it and get something done because she knew about my condition already. I love my job and was terrified that I would lose it when I became very unwell in the first few weeks I was in post. Fortunately I'm much better now, but a supportive manager has made all the difference - I'd love to say I'd feel confident to be open about my condition with any employer, because it's been so important here, but the number of stories out there about discrimination in the workplace puts me off. It's great to hear that there are other "good guys" out there, and I really hope you get back into work if and when you decide that that's right for you.
Take care x
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I'm glad you're getting support at work Ailsa. Hiding it adds to the stress of everything.
Natasha - The Seroxat has worked pretty well for me, but I don't think I'll come off it, I don't suffer any side effects any more, but the withdrawal is horrible. Even missing a day can really take it's toll.
Thank you again Mind for posting my words.
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people think that its just young teenagers that cut I an 55 and I still cut on a regular basis I have been self-harming for over 25 years now and as you can imagine my arm, legs, chest and stomach are in a fairly bad state I have now taken to other forms of hurting without leaving scares because its the pain that matters and I have found that when in the middle of an attack placing a red hot needle on your nail works for me its hurts enough to bring me back to reality fairly quickly I know its only temporary but its usually enough to get me out of a situation to some where I can gain control after a while. I don't know that will work for you but it does not leave any n scars except maybe a slight ridge on the finger nail. I wish you love and happiness
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Rhian, your bravery is really commendable. Self harm is such a difficult thing to divulge - people have so many pre-conceptions about it. I'm glad to hear that things are moving on for you.x
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That's a really positive blog to read thank you. I am on Seroxat currently as well as being off work. I have questioned whether this medication is actually working but my psychiatrist feels it is. I'm not sure when I will be well enough to work again and that is hard. But knowing there are others out there who have talked about it and still managed to work fills me with hope I will get to work again :)
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RE: above, I meant to put I am on medication called Seroquel not Seroxat. Medication can be an important part of treatment for individuals so receiving the right medication and having a workplace that understands the need and effects of such medication is vital for people to get better. Hope things continue to improve for you Rhian.
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@Snooks, I'm glad you're getting support from work. There are good bosses out there who may not understand everything, but certainly try to help and support you regardless.
@James, you're right more people need to be aware that it's not just teenagers than self-harm. Thanks for the tip, but I manage in my own ways, without causing myself any damage.
Thank you @Sally.
And @Selina, thanks, I found that it was the people around me that noticed if a certain medication was working or not. Don't just take your opinion on it, or your psychiatrist, but ask the people close to you if they've noticed a change in you too.
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