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Living with obsessive-compulsive disorder
Posted Wednesday 25 May 2011
When I was 14 my friends and I got caught stealing money from my school tuck shop. It had seemed a bit cheeky but the reality of what I had done floored me. I was absolutely devastated. My friends were upset for a while but then carried on, but I became extremely depressed. I started punishing myself, pulling out my hair and forcing myself to sleep on my cold bedroom floor. I became obsessed with what I had done, confessing to people, crying endlessly and going over it every day with my mother.
At the same time I turned to other things I had done as a child - normal things children do, but I perceived them as disgusting and I was a bad person. Looking back, I think this was the start of my struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Then four years ago I was renovating my first house with my now husband. I had a stressful job as a journalist and I was working on the house every night. A throwaway comment my husband made during a silly row over something I had done five years earlier hit me like a freight train. I became obsessed with this one incident, picking it apart, going through it in frantic tears every day, until I became suicidal. The suicidal thoughts frightened me so much I went to my GP. I had time off work, constantly searching on the internet to discover what was wrong with me, not understanding my problem, why I needed to confess to my husband my actions, conversations and even thoughts I'd had during our eight-year relationship. In my search to find out what I "had", I went for Reiki, learnt transcendental meditation, took antidepressants, and had acupuncture, 18 months of talk therapy, and hypnotherapy - even a past life regression.
Then about year ago I Googled "obsessive thoughts without compulsions". This brought up "pure obsessional disorder", a form of OCD where both the obsessions and relief-seeking compulsions are internal. I felt as if someone had shone a light on my entire life. Armed with this knowledge I went to my GP - who said OCD was about "hand washing and stuff" - and demanded cognitive behaviour therapy. Six months into treatment I am starting to understand my thoughts and my behaviours. I never trusted my own thoughts. I doubted everything about myself, even down to what music I liked - did I really like it, or was I just telling myself I did?
OCD makes me the person I am today. My dogged determination to succeed in whatever I choose is because of my illness. It has given me my darkest days, ones I would never wish on anyone - but I am learning to embrace it as part of me.
Lauren B.
Read Mind's information on obsessive-compulsive disorder. cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or relaxation.
6 Comments
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That's a nice piece Lauren, I like the way you have embraced this as part of you and attribute the positive bits such as your determination.
I always liked the depiction of a character with the hand & washing type of OCD in 'Taking over the Asylum', it's the only time I've ever seen that manifestation of distress treated with compassion, humour [but not at her] and identifying her strengths such as her abilty to organise. The characters lists and order make her a brilliant radio station boss. No one else would have been as organised as her.
There's also a very touching part where her fellow patients understand during a period of high stress that only a bottle of dettol will help so they get her one. -
For me, it *is* a lot about keeping my hands scrupulously clean. I hate being such a cliché. Especially when people expect my home to be immaculate and it never is!
Thanks Lauren, this one really struck a chord with me. -
Hi all thanks for your replies,I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed my piece. If you are on twitter I'm @tea_head if you want to chat further :)
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Lauren, that's a really inspiring post :) I don't live with OCD myself but I feel how difficult it must be and I get so frustrated with people who don't understand or think it's funny etc. I liked what you said about it making you who you are today. I think that's true of living with any mental health affliction - it doesn't have to be a bad thing.
Sarah trichquestions.wordpress.com
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have thought for quite a while that I suffer from this, but because the main thing we hear about OCD is the 'hand washing' aspect I have struggled to find informative info. After reading your story I'm more convinced this is what I have. I have so many obsessive thoughts- I ruminate and unpick everything as well! It's comforting to know there are others who feel the same way I do and I love how you're trying to embrace it and pick out the positives! Very true! Thank you!!
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It is great to read your story Lauren, your determination and fight is an inspiration. OCD effects every aspect of a sufferers life, their relationships, their work life, social life... I have started blogging about my walk through mental health and how I have overcome (rather - am managing) my OCD, emetophobia and panic attacks. Please join me on my journey. http://www.uncoveredmagazine.co.uk/blogs/living-and-thriving-with-ocd-emetophobia - I try and reply to comments - please interact with me :-)
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