Posted: Wednesday 25 May 2011
When I was 14 my friends and I got caught stealing money from my school tuck shop. It had seemed a bit cheeky but the reality of what I had done floored me. I was absolutely devastated. My friends were upset for a while but then carried on, but I became extremely depressed. I started punishing myself, pulling out my hair and forcing myself to sleep on my cold bedroom floor. I became obsessed with what I had done, confessing to people, crying endlessly and going over it every day with my mother.
At the same time I turned to other things I had done as a child - normal things children do, but I perceived them as disgusting and I was a bad person. Looking back, I think this was the start of my struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Then four years ago I was renovating my first house with my now husband. I had a stressful job as a journalist and I was working on the house every night. A throwaway comment my husband made during a silly row over something I had done five years earlier hit me like a freight train. I became obsessed with this one incident, picking it apart, going through it in frantic tears every day, until I became suicidal. The suicidal thoughts frightened me so much I went to my GP. I had time off work, constantly searching on the internet to discover what was wrong with me, not understanding my problem, why I needed to confess to my husband my actions, conversations and even thoughts I'd had during our eight-year relationship. In my search to find out what I "had", I went for Reiki, learnt transcendental meditation, took antidepressants, and had acupuncture, 18 months of talk therapy, and hypnotherapy - even a past life regression.
Then about year ago I Googled "obsessive thoughts without compulsions". This brought up "pure obsessional disorder", a form of OCD where both the obsessions and relief-seeking compulsions are internal. I felt as if someone had shone a light on my entire life. Armed with this knowledge I went to my GP - who said OCD was about "hand washing and stuff" - and demanded cognitive behaviour therapy. Six months into treatment I am starting to understand my thoughts and my behaviours. I never trusted my own thoughts. I doubted everything about myself, even down to what music I liked - did I really like it, or was I just telling myself I did?
OCD makes me the person I am today. My dogged determination to succeed in whatever I choose is because of my illness. It has given me my darkest days, ones I would never wish on anyone - but I am learning to embrace it as part of me.
Lauren B.
Read Mind's information on obsessive-compulsive disorder. cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or relaxation.
That's a nice piece Lauren, I like the way you have embraced this as part of you and attribute the positive bits such as your determination.
I always liked the depiction of a character with the hand & washing type of OCD in 'Taking over the Asylum', it's the only time I've ever seen that manifestation of distress treated with compassion, humour [but not at her] and identifying her strengths such as her abilty to organise. The characters lists and order make her a brilliant radio station boss. No one else would have been as organised as her.
There's also a very touching part where her fellow patients understand during a period of high stress that only a bottle of dettol will help so they get her one.
For me, it *is* a lot about keeping my hands scrupulously clean. I hate being such a cliché. Especially when people expect my home to be immaculate and it never is!
Thanks Lauren, this one really struck a chord with me.
Hi all thanks for your replies,I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed my piece. If you are on twitter I'm @tea_head if you want to chat further :)
Lauren, that's a really inspiring post :) I don't live with OCD myself but I feel how difficult it must be and I get so frustrated with people who don't understand or think it's funny etc. I liked what you said about it making you who you are today. I think that's true of living with any mental health affliction - it doesn't have to be a bad thing.
Sarah trichquestions.wordpress.com
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have thought for quite a while that I suffer from this, but because the main thing we hear about OCD is the 'hand washing' aspect I have struggled to find informative info. After reading your story I'm more convinced this is what I have. I have so many obsessive thoughts- I ruminate and unpick everything as well! It's comforting to know there are others who feel the same way I do and I love how you're trying to embrace it and pick out the positives! Very true! Thank you!!
It is great to read your story Lauren, your determination and fight is an inspiration. OCD effects every aspect of a sufferers life, their relationships, their work life, social life... I have started blogging about my walk through mental health and how I have overcome (rather - am managing) my OCD, emetophobia and panic attacks. Please join me on my journey. http://www.uncoveredmagazine.co.uk/blogs/living-and-thriving-with-ocd-emetophobia - I try and reply to comments - please interact with me :-)
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