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Living with borderline personality disorder
Posted Monday 11 April 2011
This is a guest post by Kayla Kavanagh — a professional musician and a mental health advocate.
If I were to tell you that I had an illness that affected only 2% of the population, and which killed 1 in 10 of those who had it - what would your reaction be? And how would that reaction change when I told you that it was a mental illness known as borderline personality disorder?
BPD is one of the most stigmatised and misunderstood mental health conditions, and its devastating effect can be found in a thousand untold stories by those who live with it ... those who exist in a world where no matter how loudly they scream, no-one seems to hear their voice.
In 2007, I was pulled out of a lake in South Yorkshire where I tried to end my own life. I was fortunate. My partner, Nigel, worked with a police helicopter to locate my mobile phone signal by the water’s edge, where two dogs found me and I was taken to safety. In that moment, Nigel suddenly became my ‘carer’, and I became a ‘service user’. I had no idea that the journey on which we were about to embark would be such a long and rocky one.
My symptoms began in early adolescence, as I quickly became aware that I was not like my peers. Separation anxiety, fear of abandonment, self-harm and emotional instability prevented me from experiencing what should have been the typical life of a teenager. I spent my days in isolation, not understanding the overwhelming emotions that attacked me from every side – often crying myself to sleep wondering why the feelings just wouldn’t go away, and why I couldn’t put a name to them.
Throughout my teens I failed to develop an identity, falling behind academically, socially and emotionally. It felt like I had got ‘stuck’ at age 11 when the problems began, and that my body and mind were developing but my sense of self and capacity to regulate emotion lagged way behind. It wasn’t until I was finally diagnosed with BPD that I began to realise what all these symptoms meant, and I was finally able to start unpicking my past in order to understand the present.
Now in my early 30s, I feel that a new understanding of life with my diagnosis is beginning to make sense. The inability to hold down a full time job owing to my condition has turned into the most positive career move, as I now work as a self-employed professional musician. Four years after the terrible event where Nigel became my carer, his company have released my debut album Stranger than Fiction which highlights positive awareness of personality disorder (PD).
Watch this video of performance at a Mind event in London.
I have found great support from my local Mind group, and a fantastic organisation called Emergence , who alongside the Department of Health are delivering training to people working with people with PD to educate them around the philosophy “no longer a diagnosis of exclusion”. It is a privilege to work with them as a trainer, co-facilitating alongside psychologists.
So few people are willing to look at the person behind the personality disorder. There can be such immense creativity born in the minds of those tormented by mental illness, and when harnessed through poetry, art, music or writing it can be a powerful tool for recovery. My hope is that by reading these words, that you will see the human being behind the label – and perhaps that the stigma can be reduced by just one more person today. Something has to change, and it needs to change now. Before another life is lost.
Kayla Kavanagh
19 Comments
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great post and brave of you to write about. I am tired of the stigma attached to mental health issues when people need to wise up and realise how many of their friends/families/colleagues/acquaintances probably have, or have had, some sort of issue.
I blog about it a bit and it's been so liberating to be open about what I've gone through.
So anyway, well done!
SG45 x
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so good to see something positive. My husband has sdiagnosed with BPD at 20 . Since we have been toghether he has beaten alcohol and drug abuse and has started on a journey of education and self fullfillment all be it a very slow one. Our life is a rollercoaster of mood swings and fixed thoughts and ideas some of which can be irrational...but we work through them toghether. I would love to know of more help for him as under all the chaos this condition can cause there is a loving, beautiful, caring man and at times i miss him. Things like this blog gives me a little hope as at times this journey is a lonely one. Hats of to you lady your an inspiration.x
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Great post Kayla. PD is always a hard one to 'explain' but your personal story really gives us a picture of what it's like to live with. Love the song too! Good luck with everything.
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This was like reading my own history, thank you Kayla, thank you for writing this and sharing it.
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I thought that any personality disorder was not considered to be a 'mental health' illness. Labelling somebody as being 'mentally ill' is horrific in this day and age. It would be preferable if people were seen as individuals with diverse emotional challenges, which can be helped with talking therapy and CBT.
I identify with much of what Kayla has said, having always suffered from anxiety and panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and isolation. I've come to understand that this is due to a multitude of issues, including my upbringing, my genetics and my high sensitivity. Therapy has taught me to take responsibility for my actions and to love myself despite the challenges.
Good luck to Kayla and everybody else living with a label. One day we will all be seen for who we are, individual people. -
I was diagnosed with BPD last year at the age of 40 so you can imagine years of not knowing why i was so different and couldn't hold down a job and a relationship, but even tho i have been diagnosed i can not get any help all the doctors want to do is put me on medication but its my past that needs sorting to me medication will only mask the problem but where do you turn ? I have been waiting for counciling for 9 months now as it is government funded and spent two years with depression and in isolation cause i find it difficult to go out, I live in a small community with a lot less resources than big towns. So even though I have my diagnoses what do i do with it and where do i turn. so many organisations are out there are trying to change mental health awareness but there are many many people out there who hide from it because of small communities and the stigma, I do not tell anyone because of fear of ridicule so isolate myself which has now caused me to be scared to go out in public places unless i am accompanied. I am doing my own research on it all but i need some professional help I can't work or anything at the moment so feel totally alone. Makes me wonder how many more people out there are in the same situation.
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@JanetB - why is using the term 'mental illness' so "horrific in this day and age"? Do you think people with physical health problems need to search for an alternative umbrella term to describe their maladies? If not, why should we? To me it's irrelevant whether or not the disorder is based on a traumatic history, biology or individual psychology: if you're in pain, then you are, and if you have symptoms of an illness, then you do. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone gets sick from time to time; whether it's mentally or physically, it happens.
Just my two pennies' worth. Having diagnoses and working with the psychiatric service has improved my life considerably, but I know this isn't true for everyone.
As for Kayla - I have the pleasure of knowing her personally and consider her a good friend. She is inspiring, brave, smart and funny, and just generally awesome :)
Take care all
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Hi Kayla
I think that you have expressed yourself beautifully here. Truly an inspiration.
I have just got home from a tc outreach group and I had been trying to express my frustrations around the stigma. I feel like we have a harder mOuntain to climb as it feels like there is a stigma around mental health in society but then it feels like there is a stigma around bpd in mental health society or mental health Proffesionals at least. I think what I am trying to say is that I think I needed to hear what you had to write as even in a room of other peoPle with pd's I felt unheard, and I am trying to pull myself out of a downward spiral so thank you.
Take care
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Hi Kayla, thanks for sharing your thoughts :)
To focus on our positive aspects makes a difference - the difference between being a victim and becoming a survivor. Sadly enough not everybody can appreciate this, methinks that's the reason for stigmatizing us. Maybe BPD *is* a mental health issue, but there are lots of people showing even worse mental health, and among those are many called "normal" - just functioning like robots, showing not any personality at all, but arrogant enough to judge us :(
Love, Aoife
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Jules,
I am in the same situation, I'm 23 but have the mentality of someone much older. I have not quite been diagnosed yet but the initial assessment is pointing towards BDP and it fits the bill to be honest.
I live in a village for the first time in my life, moved away for a quieter life but its exposed me and so far I have not yet seen the benefit. I worry what people will say as I wanted to be treated normal. The villages are quite prosperous working class and higher. Although me too can not hold a job down, maintain adults friendships or family. I love working I am so passionate but not knowing how to deal with certain situations has led to my downfall. Apparently I am not the only one but that doesnt help. I am pleased to know there is someone out there feeling similar to myself. Trying new medication to see if it has the right effect for now and awaiting help from mental health services.
Fortunately I can pass off as 'normal' in society but I am fed up of masking my problems. I know I need to change how I feel about certain things, how I think and that dealing with unresolved issues from the past is the way forward. There is a way forward, it is just a scary road to go down alone when those closest don't know how to deal with me. I do not mind judgement from others, I don't really care what other think but I do if people are giving me the special treatment, walking on egg shells like I am some malfunctioning robot,
Being told to snap out of it and to change when I do not know how is so difficult. I have tried absolutely everything and spent a long time running masking my true self more. I don't need advice, thank you for reading. I have found a new career in this field where I want to make a difference to others in similar situations. I am very caring and one day I hope I can feel content and happy. More than happy to talk to anyone regarding this.
All the best!
Spidergirl x :)
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i just found out my partner has bpd we splt up 9 weeks he whant go back with and i still love him what i can i do i work with mental health in older people help
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Hi Tania, hope you're doing ok. We have lots of info here on bpd: http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/borderline_personality_disorder and here is some info on being a carer http://www.mind.org.uk/help/carers
You could also contact our infoline who can help you find some support, eg groups in your area? Their number is 0300 123 3393 or info@mind.org.uk
Take care, Taryn from Mind -
I think you are amazing, the way you are raising awareness of BPD. Really liked the song too!!
I have just been told that I have a probable diagnosis of BPD and I am so so scared, especially given the amount of negative things that I have seen written about it :(
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@scared_of_being_borderline Hope you're doing ok - please do read MInd's info on bpd http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/borderline_personality_disorder including our tips on how you can help yourself. Take care, Taryn from Mind
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I have just read your info on BDP. Interesting point that you say that antipychotics should only be given to BDP sufferers short term. I have been on Olanzepine for years, don't recall why I was put on it in the first place, can't see the benefit for me, does nothing for anxiety. Do you know anyone who has benefited from taking these drugs?
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I think I may have BPD infact when i was a teenager I was diagnosed with BPD but i was so ashamed and disgusted by the diagnosis that armed with my mum and best friend I confronted the psychiatrist with all the reasons why I didnt have it, when that failed I asked for 2nd opinion and the diagnosis was changed to bipolar by the new Dr.
I now think looking back as a woman in her 30's that this diagnosis was probably correct, I have serious problems with controlling my emotions and have in the past attempted suicide many times my arms legs and stomach are a map of self cutting scars, cigarette burns and unsuccesful suicide attempts (wrist slashing). I feel emotional pain (and joy) so intensly sometimes I think I will burst. Although my diagnosis at the moment is a depressive and I havent self harmed for many years at times of stress all these self harming and suicidal and intense angry feelings come back up. I may barely meet the criteria anymore but I dont know what to do as If i speak to my gp about the posibilty of being borderline I fear the stigma that comes along with the diagnosis and I fear that my gf will leave me if i get diagnosed with it. I fear the GP will no longer takes what I say seriously as they didnt before, but I fear more that If i dont get the correct diagnosis I will not get the help I desperately need. -
@justwant2bme Challenging your diagnosis can be a daunting experience, but it's not an uncommon one. I can't stress enough how much it's worth speaking to a health professional about how you're feeling, and the extent to which your current treatment isn't supporting you as it should be.
I'm extremely saddened to read that you've not been supported more through some very tough times. If you aren't comfortable speaking to your current doctor, do ask to see another at the practice, or find out what other mental health services are available in your area.
Your best bet is to call or email the Mind infoline - they'll be able to tell you services in your area, as well as give you some more information about BPD.
You are entitled to get a second opinion on your diagnosis. See our Legal FAQs at http://www.mind.org.uk/help/legal_unit/faqs which has links to more information on patients' rights.
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Well I don't want to live with personality disorder. Basically not only does the world hate you but so do the mental health squad. At least in the old days there were asylums we could escape to. My father used me as a punchbag for 13 years, now I'm mental. Who's got the personality disorder ME not HIM. This psycopath managed to turn all my sisters against me I was even blamed for my mother's death because as a CHILD I didn't like it when she spent days on the sofa and there was no dinner for us (she had mental problems, I wonder why?).
Now my husband is giving me the SILENT treatment because I became angry at his control freakery and ordering me and TELLING me how to do the housework (I do it during the week) and guess what my 16 year old daughter is now doing the same, the last thing she said to me 24 hours ago was 'I hate you because your mad'. Well seeing as I have no friends, no family and spend days upon days on my own can't get a job and then at the end of the day the two people I thought loved me blank me, please tell me what the hell is the point of going on? -
Following a long admission onto a mental health ward I was diagnosed with emotional unstable personality disorder impulsive type. You can imagine how much this diagnosis haunts me every day. 12 months ago I started a weekly group for people diagnosed with BPD. The therapy is DBT (look up www.dbtselfhelp.com) to find out more my life is more manageable and I have not had an admission for 2 years. I would love to educate people on DBT. The group will be ending soon and the group members are going to set up a support group.
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