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Gemma's story: finding ways to cope
Posted Monday 14 March 2011
A guest post from Gemma Davies*, who talks about her experiences of mental distress and how she copes. Warning: This post discusses suicide and may be triggering for some people.
In the last ten years I’ve gone through: a man thinking it’s ok to touch my then barely-formed breasts every Saturday; a mother who has a different boyfriend every week and doesn’t use contraception; emotional abuse; living with my mother’s verbally abusive, occasionally violent partner; living in a house where I shared my bedroom with wild mice; living in a very cold, damp flat with no money for heating; cracks in the walls.... throw into the mix that I’ve been in pain for not that much shy of three years.
It’s fair to say that I’ve not exactly been a happy bunny. I’ve cried myself to sleep, I’ve walked to the top of multi-storey car parks and peered over the top with the temptation of jumping, I’ve overdosed and I have self harmed.
Obviously to inflict any sort of injury intentionally on oneself is not a good thing, but sometimes we feel we have no option, that this is the only way. For me, it was making the mental pain physical, and it helped so much.
But what made me stop? A friend died. And I told myself that if people were dying, who wanted to live, then me, living, wanting to die, couldn’t be. How could I want to die while people who wanted to live were dying? I couldn’t. So I stopped. And I am a little over five years free, and I intend on being another five years free, and another five, and another.
However, not once have I called myself depressed, and I do not intend to. I self harmed but I don’t any more, so that makes me an ex self harmer. But despite still feeling frequently sad, I don’t label myself as depressed. I might well be, I don’t know. But not once have I been to see my GP and said, “I am sad.”
It’s not something I plan on doing any time soon either. Being sad is what I know, and it might well be environmental, it might be depression, but what do I do about it? I keep busy and I find ways of cheering myself up. I write, I study as a part time student, I knit, I surf the net. I like to read and watch TV and listen to music and write letters to my friends. I do things that make me happy, and I have amazing friends who make me happy too.
I tell myself things in my life will only get me down if I let them. I am in control of how I let them affect me. I’m determined to make myself a happier person without the help of medication. I am the one to control how sad I get. And I just hope that someone out there, right now, is reading this, to see that even through bad, there can be good. You can do this. One day, things will change, but you have to aim for that day. You’ll get there.
Gemma Davies*
Read Mind's information on coping with depression and self harm. We always recommend that you seek advice from a health professional if you are experiencing mental distress. You can find your nearest doctor or hospital with this tool from NHS Direct.
If Gemma's story has affected you and you are in crisis, please email or call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90. For help finding information or support near you, please email or call the Mind infoline on 0300 123 3393.
*Not her real name.
9 Comments
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The thought that someone with thoughts like me can be happy is an inspiration to me .But i cannot hang on to those thoughts but for now this is lady is a comfort good look Gemma...
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I'm afraid I don't agree with this blog post, and have said why on my own blog here:- http://scruffy-duck.net/?p=917
I do however wish you well regardless of my opinions. -
Rhi, Thanks for posting the link to your blog.
If anyone experiences any of the symptoms of depression (http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/depression#symptoms) please do contact your GP or get in touch with the MIndinfoline to find support near you info (info@mind.org.uk or call 0845 766 0163).
Read more information on treatments and support for depression: http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/depression#treatments
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It's absolutely great that this approach worked for you. I employ many "mindhacks" to get me through the harder days, now that I'm out of therapy after six years or so. But every mind is unique. Mine required medication to stabilise me long enough to get me through therapy, and then therapy itself to even know that my mind is capable of devising "mindhacks" for itself. I know that the amount of suffering could have probably been reduced if I decided on therapy earlier.
However there is one thing that makes this article in total contradiction to my experience. "I am sad". I never associated sadness with depression. Sadness is a logical feeling, it has a cause and we know that it will pass. I felt relieved when sad, relieved to be able to experience a natural feeling. Depression has nothing to do with sadness, much like panic is not fear. Depression is irrational, you do not know why you are experiencing it, you don't know... in fact, you are certain that it will never going to end. It's paralysing dread. And I find it very unlikely that a person can win this battle on her own without outside help, mainly because depression provides the brain with a skewed and irrational view of the world to base conclusions on. You need positive feedback, preferably that of a trained therapist but any is better than none, a person that will verify your perception of things.
That's why I also can't agree with experiences and conclusions expressed in this blog post.
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Firstly, this post was not intended to be at all patronising, nor suggest that one shouldn't visit a GP. I believe sadness is one of several factors that make up depression, but wanted to explain why I won't simply just let the sadness take a heavy hold, and that I don't feel like approaching my GP re the matter. And although I have not been as bad as many, I have found ways of making myself happier.
I'm not asking for people to agree with me. I just wanted to share my experience, to provide a bit of hope if nothing else. I'm sorry that not everyone can see this.
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Well...... possibly few words missing from the chat......post traumatic stress disorder.....especially after physical + mental abuse......this then can turn into a complexPTSD......victims of repeated abuse.
Ive been in a womens prison + sadly seen self harm. Im 50 now......+ now discharged + see a GP.+ stable.
I too keep busy. I enjoyed her words. They made me smile. Recovery is possible.
Liked the writing as it avoids western ways of labeling and gets to the point.about how she copes. Coping strategies are helpful..
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Oh, I didn't find this post patronising, just in contradiction of my own experiences. Which are only my experiences (although confirmed in talks with others). A person winning against "the black dog" is always a cause for joy :)
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Thanks for posting this Gemma, it is hope inspiring that things can improve.
Deciding whether on not to go to a GP or not re 'depression' be a personal choice. I have experienced severe depression and been suicidal but should that state occur again I would not go to a GP. The medical model of depression does not work for everyone.
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I understand both Gemma & Moominboy - My experiences have been very similar to Moominboy - but i wish i didnt feel the need to ask for help like Gemma. I wish i could do this on my own, but its good to know that the help is there. One of the first things i said to my GP was 'I am so sad, i need help'. Everyone is different and has different ways of coping with things. I have found that reading other peoples stories has helped me realise that im not on my own and that eventually there is a way to cope.
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