Posted: Tuesday 20 April 2010
To mark depression awareness week, four Mind volunteers have agreed to share some of their experiences of depression.
There are two seemingly exclusive states – the crushing hollowness of clinical depression, and the full sensory experience of being ‘alive’ – which seem utterly unrelated; poles apart, even, as if passing from one to the other entails becoming a different person entirely.
In a sense, this is true. While depression is a loss of the true self, feeling alien in one’s own body while our mind seems no longer our own, the road to recovery is a trip towards the rediscovery of ourselves - often a stronger, wiser and ‘better’ self than the one we knew before.
This process of healing is therefore incredibly hard to understand, let alone predict. Our tortured minds – so used to plotting, tricking and conniving against ourselves – offer false dawns amid black chasms of despair. Our thoughts and feelings are, at times like these, the least reliable of witnesses, and this is perhaps why, as someone who enjoys getting lost in words, I decided to write.
Above all, my writing (however rambling or incoherent it may have been) taught me to observe, as opposed to my usual compulsion to ‘figure it all out’. It taught me to go with the flow, to be patient, and not to be so hard on myself. As I look back on my jottings now, they read like throws of the dice in a mental game of snakes and ladders – hard-won progress is at once undermined by a precipitous fall, and then leads to heights I’d not dared to hope for. Crucially the general trend is inexorably upwards, away from darkness and into the light.
This recovery phase really does take time - more than I care to remember. The temptation is to think that, once we have crossed the void and the worst of depression can be seen receding in our rear-view mirror, we can accelerate away and leave it for dead. Of course, this is yet another illusion. It hangs around, tailgating us for a while, giving us the occasional flash of its headlights. It doesn’t want us to speed off back to ‘normal’ because, wherever ‘normal’ is, it is not a place we should be hurrying back to.
During this curious state of ‘limbo’, I strongly believe that with acceptance comes strength. Only when we have given up the battle to force an improvement will the change come to us. At times like these, I also found the words of others a great solace. Perhaps the most honest description came from Rilke:
Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.
Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a young poet (1922)
Not easy, of course, when all we want is to ‘get better’ - and fast. But this is all about cultivating awareness; nurturing kindness and compassion for oneself; and achieving some kind of balance that was lacking in our former lives. As well as being exciting, this process is also quite frightening: it involves a leap into the unknown in order to find a new way of living that is infinitely kinder to ourselves. And real change takes time. We must create the right conditions for it to emerge, thus allowing the change rather than 'making' it. Getting through the dislocating nightmare of depression is a bit like getting the most out of life: it isn’t, I now realise, about doing more and trying harder; it’s about being aware, staying connected, going with the flow, and - quite often - doing significantly less.
As Rilke states, "Why should you want to exclude any anxiety, any grief, any melancholy from your life, since you do not know what it is that these conditions are accomplishing in you?... You need to be as patient as one ill and as optimistic as one recuperating, for perhaps you are both."
Patience, optimism, and - I would add - a kind of trusting acceptance: these are the greatest lessons I have learned from depression.
Steve, Mind volunteer
Thank you. I am recovering from depression. Your post completely sums up that in between stage. Thank you so much Steve. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing Steve :) I have bipolar disorder, and I can relate to this stage...I have gone through this on, and off, for the past 21 years. Thanks again.
We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.
~Martin Luther King, Jr.
Insightful, expressive and replete with the wisdom of experience. I would agree that it is only with the acceptance of 'what is' - the change that has been wrought by an illness - that the climb back to health begins. This is partly, I suspect, due to the release of energy spent in the frustration and grief of not being able to do all that one used to pre-depression. This possibly applies to other illnesses too. But I also suspect that the whole process is part of the healing, and that the mind as well as the body become ill whenever it has been placed under more strain for longer than it can possibly cope with and stay healthy. I think part of the healing involves the realisation that our bodies and minds are human, have human limitations and that we must listen to and respect, both - much more.. and not struggle to achieve the super-human levels that modern life so easily imposes - unless we learn to say no, and to feel that this is the right and good thing to do, for ourselves and our health.
As someone who has suffered with depression sporadically through my adult life, this completely puts into words those feelings of utter despair and wonder at the moments of clarity. And yes the road to recovery is slow and sometimes feels like it will never come. But it does x
'Forever learning' - firstly, what a great name! Thanks for your kind comments on my post - they are much appreciated and I'm glad they struck a chord. Best of luck in your continuing recovery - you will get there!
Thoughtful words Steve - you have summed up the progress through depression well - it is a journey and part of us who ends up shaking its hand. Without sadness we can not know true happiness. I wouldn't say I was glad I had depression, but I know that who I am now, someone I am happy and comfortable with is in part due to my depression and my recovery.
Thanks for sharing. Andy
Hanna - thanks you. I love the Martin Luther King quote - a great way of expressing it.
I know the word 'journey' has been hideously over-used by many a reality TV show (and consequently ridiculed), but we're all on one, so I wish you the best of luck with yours :)
Teresa - I couldn't agree more, so thanks for expressing it so well.
Saying 'no' is not something I've ever been very good at - although I'm getting a little better at it these days :)
The temptation is often to take on too much (especially when we're feeling 'well'), and the body and/or mind - for they are arguably one and the same - will soon let us know when we are being wilful about things. I guess the trick is to learn to identify the signals our body/mind is giving us, which is why self-awareness and acceptance are so very important.
As you say, I've learned that it often feels healthier (not to mention strangely liberating) to say 'no' once in a while.
Beverley - thanks so much for posting your kind comments.
I'm also glad you share my encouraging viewpoint, despite your own difficulties and setbacks. It can be a long, painful road, but if we try to stay true to ourselves (however hard this sometimes is), and allow the possibility of happiness (no matter how far off this may seem), recovery will come x
Andy - thanks a lot for your comments. I completely agree with you.
My therapist once told me that the illness & recovery process is 'a journey into our own truths'. Now, if you heard that on 'I'm a Celebrity...' or 'Big Brother', it would sound like utter claptrap!... but it makes perfect sense to someone who is on the 'journey' themselves.
Perhaps this is why those who haven't felt the claws and fangs of the Black Dog (many of whom desperately want to help us) can't fully understand - either the illness itself, or the recovery process. But that's OK... it's perfectly understandable.
But I do think that it's up to us - those who feel able - to be as open as possible about depression; to break the awful stigma that comes with it through showing how widespread and common it is; and to show that it's possible to tame the beast, if not eliminate it altogether.
The more we can do this, then the more others (whether they be friends, family, employers or the medical profession) will be able to understand.
Thank you Steve - you write beautifully and though I wish I could put into practise what we both know to be true, it just isn't happening. I thank you for your openess and for the prefect quotes of which I am going to write down for myself. x
Steve, you really hit on the surrender that is so counterintuitive and yet so necessary in recovery.
It is only on the days when I can suspend my hope for the future I had planned, and just enjoy whatever part of the day I can experience despite the illness, that I see the bigger picture forming. It's so hard not to press for the life I want, but I am coming to accept that I am growing into a life that is different but wonderful all the same. It's about being able to be mindful of what pleasure can be found even in a day where I can barely get out of bed.
I guess it is a lot about patience.
Hi Steve, Good to read your blog. I myself have suffered on and off with depression. I was fortunate to be introduced to the Expert Patient Programme (EPP) which is run Free by the NHS. This taught me self-management tools and techniques with other members of the group, who all had long term health conditions. It also enabled me to make friends and share some of all our anxieties in a well tutored setting. I am now priviledged to run this programme for the local NHS and still daily use the tools and techniques to keep the wolves at bay. If anyone would like to more information on this service, please let them have my email address. Keep up the good work though.
First visit to this site,helpful blogs,experiences,40mg Prozac daily as found the good days are exceptional,lapse days distressing,hopelessness the worst,tinitus in left ear learnt to live with,Father suffered it too,get so frustrated with myself and all my failings because of mind sets,two decades plus now,hope for clarity eventually moreover peace of mind,and regaining self worth and spirit,working life very errattic,causing financial difficulties no secure home,ultimately no future security in later years of life.
Godbless all who have tried helping and for the hope that the little things in life bring to me,,chance meeting interactions,bless my family and little Dog Harley
Never visited any site about depression before,i thought it would make my suicidal thoughts even worst,but i'm touched to see i'm not the only one in need to express the ups and downs of it all in some sort of "fearless state of mind".I suffer from clinical depression since age 14(i'm 42 now).I hope that the giving up the battle of forcing an improvement,will beneficiate me too.The last 2 or 3 years have been precisely "of acceptance" of the real truth about me,because of an inner will of changing once and for all.I hope i will come to feel like you do sooner rather than later.But even if i don't arrive to recovery phase, i tell you i'm so glad all you guys did.For you to tell me you gained strength from all this horrendous illness is geat for me.Just to know somebody did it.Many good wishes for all of you !
Carrie - thanks for being so kind with your comments.
I can completely understand the place you're in right now. For a long while, what I so wanted to happen (in terms of the 'fog' lifting, or getting to a better place) was so painfully elusive. It seems as though everything is against us, doesn't it, and there is no answer? I think, in truth, there IS no 'answer', as such... things just evolve and improve in time (they really do!). My biggest 'mistake' (though entirely understandable) was perhaps that I felt compelled to search high and low for an 'answer' (no matter how much I was advised to 'be kind to myself' and 'stay aware').
I'm glad you like the Rilke quotes... I think I came across them in a wonderful book by Gwyneth Lewis called Sunbathing in the Rain - perhaps you'll like it too?
Just by writing what you have done ('it just isn't happening'), you're showing a great deal of awareness and quite an accepting outlook (in a good way :-) So I hope you're getting the help and support you need, and that things improve... they will at some stage, perhaps without you even noticing to begin with x
Heather - thanks for your comment. I have nothing to add - as far as I'm concerned, you've expressed it perfectly!! Very best wishes...
Hi Kay - thanks for your comments.
The EPP sounds really interesting and worthwhile. Although I've tried several forms of therapy over the years (CBT, hypnotherapy and longer term 'psychodynamic' therapy), I've never been involved in group counselling or therapy in any way... but, from what I've heard from close friends who've been helped enormously by it, it can be very useful.
How did you get to run this programme locally? Is it a full-time job with the NHS, or something I might be able to volunteer to help out with in my own time?
I'm only a contributor to the Mind blog, so I don't get to see your email address, I'm afraid. But if you'd like to post a link or web address for the EPP within a comment, I'm sure Mind wouldn't mind (if you see what I mean ;-)
PS - by listing the several forms of therapy I've encountered (above), it might sound as if they haven't been any good. In fact, quite the opposite is true! They've all been massively beneficial in their own way. Sure, none of them 'solved' the problem like a magic bullet, but anything that enabled me to get to know myself better (in order to challenge my own concept of 'normal') is worth trying in my book! I know they cost money, and there's a right (and wrong) time for everything, but 'talking therapies' really can help a great deal.
Hi David - my dose too! (still on it, in fact - though hopefully coming off soon...)
And I also have a little dog (Molly)... I never was a dog person as a kid, but I love her to bits... never asks for anything but love & attention, and is unswervingly loyal :)
Glad you've found your visit to the site helpful. I can understand the hopelessness and sense of failure you feel, I really can. Not to mention the effect on your ability to work and the inability to lead the kind of life you want.
Your sense of compassion - and of getting the most out of the 'little things' is wonderful. God bless them too, and good luck. Give Harley a fuss from me...
Silvina - what a lovely message - I hope everyone else has read it too! To express such compassion and warmth to others in the midst of what you've been going through for so long is kindness beyond words.
I'm glad your visit to the site was better than you thought it might be! The truth is there are loads of people 'out there' unable to express stuff, and it's so good that people can share experiences in this way.
Good luck with your acceptance. Your recovery will come... just keep sharing, learning and an open mind if you can. Lots of good wishes being sent your way too!
You are wonderful Steve, thank you for your words of wisdom. As someone going through my second (or was it one long bout) dark tunnel, i'm going to read your words avidly x
Monica - thanks so much. It's nice to be able to help in some small way.
I'm really sorry you're having a tough time. It's hard to tell when you're in the tunnel ('cos it's hard to remember - or even imagine - what daylight's like), but you know there's light at the end, and it will come, sooner or later.
Take good care of yourself x
Steve – thanks for your reply, you are right, often what is said in therapy can sound cliché, but in those moments it is enlightening and often the truth. You are right those of us who have made it through and are able to can help others by raising awareness, though it can be a frightening step to take, but one I am glad I have taken in the past and continue to do so. Andy
Thanks, Andy.
Your comments about getting to know who we really are, and being happy and comfortable with ourselves (and shaking depression ruefully by the hand) reminded me of a favourite poem of mine. It's not necessarily about depression, but it's about coming to accept ourselves for who we are in more general terms. I hope you like it:
Love After Love
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
DEREK WALCOTT
Awww. Derek that is such a lovely poem. I have several people around me that have suffered and are suffering from mental health and this is such a lovely way of accepting. Wow, you are worth your weight in gold for putting this on here.
Take care.x
Hi to everyone.
I just read all the comments you submitted and can totally empathise with what everyone is saying. I have been off with depression since Nov 2009.
I was in two minds whether to post a comment here as I am currently in a really positive place. I decided though that it may give some people hope that are currently experiencing that inner tornado as I call it. There is a way out and the recovery curve seems to have gradually become less severe, eg the constant up and down, from mountain top to hell.
The most important thing for me was seeing my GP and starting on medication. In addition to this, giving up alcohol, which had become a way of self medication to reach a point of oblivion, at it's worst resulting in day time drinking.
No, I am not an alcoholic, but had I not sought psychiatric care, I guess I could have become.
I can only reiterate the messages above, e.g. be kind to yourself, praise yourself for every little achievement. Did you know 2 of the most common 'effects' of depression are inability to brush your teeth and having a shower? So, I started praising myself for these 'little' achievements and aim every day not to criticise myself (I always was my own worst judge and considered myself to be superwoman). I know how 2 items a day I would like to do (on top of brushing teeth and a shower ;0), e. g. calling a friend, hoovering, etc. When I achieve these 2 things I have had an outstanding day, if I achieved 1 then it has been a really positive day and if I do none, it is still a successful day as I have gotten out of bed and lived through today, focusing on the positive aspects.
Another thing that helped tremendously was Group Therapy, e.g. you realise you are not alone and also get to hear how others perceive you, which is usually far more positive than you do yourself.
A great exercise we did was to have ourselves list our positive attributes (e.g. brave for acknowledging depression and need for help, kindness, etc). This can be quite hard when you have your inner tornado going on, I know. Then the group listed what they thought were your positive attributes, and WOW. I now have this list opposite my bed to I can see it 1st thing when I wake up. It is a great help.
Finally, my CBT therapist said (and it is not meant in a harsh way), if you wait to do things until you feel better, you are unlikely to. If you do things now, despite maybe not feeling like it, you will get better sooner.
These are just some examples that have helped me. I am in no way a therapist and appreciate depression is different for everyone. I hope some of the above has helped and would reiterate:
We are all brave for seeking help and there are so many people out there that have this illness but won't / cannot. I know I didn't until my body pulled the emergency brake and I collapsed at work. The more you can talk about it, the more you realise how many people are in the same place. You are not alone and places like MIND are there to help us all.
As one of you commented above, I would certainly not have chosen to be this ill, but part of me is appreciative of it as it has made me listen to myself, and my needs and wants. I am discovering a new part of me and every hour of the day I welcome that new person as a blessing.
All the best to all of us. xxx
Hi to everyone.
I just read all the comments you submitted and can totally empathise with what everyone is saying. I have been off with depression since Nov 2009.
I was in two minds whether to post a comment here as I am currently in a really positive place. I decided though that it may give some people hope that are currently experiencing that inner tornado as I call it. There is a way out and the recovery curve seems to have gradually become less severe, eg the constant up and down, from mountain top to hell.
The most important thing for me was seeing my GP and starting on medication. In addition to this, giving up alcohol, which had become a way of self medication to reach a point of oblivion, at it's worst resulting in day time drinking.
No, I am not an alcoholic, but had I not sought psychiatric care, I guess I could have become.
I can only reiterate the messages above, e.g. be kind to yourself, praise yourself for every little achievement. Did you know 2 of the most common 'effects' of depression are inability to brush your teeth and having a shower? So, I started praising myself for these 'little' achievements and aim every day not to criticise myself (I always was my own worst judge and considered myself to be superwoman). I know how 2 items a day I would like to do (on top of brushing teeth and a shower ;0), e. g. calling a friend, hoovering, etc. When I achieve these 2 things I have had an outstanding day, if I achieved 1 then it has been a really positive day and if I do none, it is still a successful day as I have gotten out of bed and lived through today, focusing on the positive aspects.
Another thing that helped tremendously was Group Therapy, e.g. you realise you are not alone and also get to hear how others perceive you, which is usually far more positive than you do yourself.
A great exercise we did was to have ourselves list our positive attributes (e.g. brave for acknowledging depression and need for help, kindness, etc). This can be quite hard when you have your inner tornado going on, I know. Then the group listed what they thought were your positive attributes, and WOW. I now have this list opposite my bed to I can see it 1st thing when I wake up. It is a great help.
Finally, my CBT therapist said (and it is not meant in a harsh way), if you wait to do things until you feel better, you are unlikely to. If you do things now, despite maybe not feeling like it, you will get better sooner.
These are just some examples that have helped me. I am in no way a therapist and appreciate depression is different for everyone. I hope some of the above has helped and would reiterate:
We are all brave for seeking help and there are so many people out there that have this illness but won't / cannot. I know I didn't until my body pulled the emergency brake and I collapsed at work. The more you can talk about it, the more you realise how many people are in the same place. You are not alone and places like MIND are there to help us all.
As one of you commented above, I would certainly not have chosen to be this ill, but part of me is appreciative of it as it has made me listen to myself, and my needs and wants. I am discovering a new part of me and every hour of the day I welcome that new person as a blessing.
All the best to all of us. xxx
Commenting is now closed.