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Loneliness shines
Posted Wednesday 14 April 2010
In the first of a series of posts to mark Depression Awareness Week, Mind fundraiser and media volunteer Dave Urwin writes about the creativity that can emerge from depression.
“You’re gonna break my heart I know it, but even if you don’t you’ll break my run of unhappiness and ruin my career.”
These words are taken from a Malcolm Middleton song, and within them lies the dichotomy of depression. No one wants to be depressed, but a cursory glance over the history of art, music and literature tells us that it can be productive.
I’d say the creative flair of a tortured soul is because of, rather than in spite of their depression. A tortured mind is one that never stops thinking. That exploration can often lead to striking visions.
Russell Brand is one of many comedians whose lightning wit and dizzying wordplay have come about as a means to hide their inner turmoil from the world. Bukowski told the story of his struggle to fit in through the character of Henry Chinaski in a series of revered novels. Paul Gascoigne’s sublime skills on the football field even were no doubt a result of his overactive mind.
When depression becomes creativity it can reach out and help others to make sense of their own battles. There is the tragic irony of Mark Linkous, the singer who recently took his own life after a long struggle with depression, when the legacy he leaves behind in his songs will help many to feel that they are not alone.
My name’s Dave and I have been depressed on and off I think for most of my life. When I talk about depression I refer to an all-encompassing sadness. When in its midst I look to the future and see no hope to hold onto, and look to the past and feel taunted by the best times and despairing of the worst times. I want solitude as I fail to understand why anyone would want to be in my company, and yet I need company as without it all I have are my negative thoughts.
When depressed anything that kills even a few minutes, is a godsend. I honestly believe that this is why I started smoking. Because smoking a cigarette takes five or so minutes, and that’s five or so minutes that have a purpose.
Alcohol was for some time like that girlfriend who you know is no good for you but who you just can’t quit. When you drink you’re focussed on achieving drunkenness, and then on maintaining it. If you don’t like the look of today it’s a way of hitting fast forward. If you don’t like the look of tomorrow when you get there you can hit fast forward again, at least until your money runs out.
Nowadays I realise that smoking and drinking are not long-term solutions and haven’t partaken in either for over a year. Walking and writing have been the best ones I’ve found so far. A walk can take anything from twenty minutes to a whole day, and will feature a constant change of scenery, making it difficult for the grey clouds to keep up.
Writing is a way of pouring out all of the sadness, confusion and self-loathing and turning it into something beautiful. I feel that as long as I have an outlet and people around me who know what it’s like then I know it won’t keep me down. Finally though, let’s remind ourselves that it is a lifelong battle, as summed up by the singer, Daniel Johnston:
“You can listen to these songs,
Have a good time and walk away.
But for me it's not that easy.
I have to live these songs forever.”
Dave Urwin
14 Comments
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Dave this is a wonderful post. I was so sad to hear about Mark Linkous. Thank you for writing this eloquent description of what so many people feel yet are unable to express. I hope things keep looking up for you and the clouds don't catch you up.
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Brilliant post - can empathise with a lot of this. Here are my thoughts on what writing means to me - http://musicsportlife.blogspot.com/2010/03/why-i-write.html - let me know what you think. Thanks.
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This is an exert from a diary piece I wrote over a 3 day period when I was very low and having trouble sleeping, after the break up of a relationship.
The night times are always the worst times when the sadness lingers. Like a dark cloud threatening rain all day but at night it envelopes me. In the still, thick, soft quiet of the night, there it is, my familiar old friend. Sitting with me, pointing and laughing and wanting to swallow me up into its soft lonely shadows of numbness. And I sit with it. And me. Just us. In the still quietness of the darkness. Where sleep doesn't come to save me from my thoughts and fears. Where tears fall and weakness starts to crack my hard edges and I hide the real me under the covers and wonder how I'll make it through tomorrow. And I think about the twists and turns of my life. I refuse to stop loving and reaching out but deep down I'm losing hope and I'm starting to struggle and I look for inspiration in the familiar. In music. In my space. In the wonder that is my children. When all else fails I have to focus on them. On the miracle that made them grow into happy, well adjusted individuals despite having a mother like me. And yet, it all flew past so fast and part of me misses the times when I held them in my arms all fresh and new and needing me. The wonder of them growing and thriving and living and learning and being. And now they don't need me so much but maybe I'll get to hold their children and watch them grow from afar. And I am thankful because it could have all been so different, in a split second. Yet here I am still and many times I believe thats because of them. The driving force when my own instinct for survival was failing me. A constant in my life. The little miracles that grew and made it all worth while. The most important people in my life.
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Vee - Thank you so much, I was gutted to hear about Mark Linkous. It was really strange, the day before I found out I had the line 'I'm the dog that ate your birthday cake' from his song 'It's a Wonderful Life' stuck in my head for most of the day. There are parallels between him and Mark Everett (of Eels) - they're both a similar age, they both have made beautiful music from the darkest places within their minds and have both made so many people worldwide feel that they're not alone. If you've not read Mark Everett's book 'Things the Grandchildren Should Know' you should - just beautiful.
Jez - That's a very well-written and engaging blog. I agree with what you say about writing, and it seems that we have an almost identical taste in novelists. Have you read Scarlett Thomas? I think you might like her books, particularly 'The End of Mr Y.'
Moi - That's beautiful, thank you so much for sharing. I don't have any children but I've often thought that if I did to know there was someone in the world who needed me and relied on me would mean every day I'd wake up and have a purpose. I hope you are in a good place nowadays.
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I too identify with what you say about writing. I have written a few poems during times of darkness and turmoil - doing that has been a great help for me. Thank you Dave.
May you always 'have an outlet and people around (you) who know what it’s like'.
Best wishes.
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Thank you Dave. Thank you for making sense of my unending need to create, to write, to make things, to do my photography. Your words could have been written by me in many ways; I too look for the smallest distraction to make time go that tiny bit quicker, I wish for bedtime each morning, I constantly feel disappointed that today wasn't better or that yesterday was.
I will be up here as a guest writer soon, but not everything I wanted to say can be said in a single post. Luckily I don't smoke but I am about to open a bottle of red wine...just to help to last few hours go by. Don't worry my hubby his here and I haven't done anything 'stupid' in quite a while now.
However, this post is about your story and your bravery. Once again, I humbly say 'thank you' xxx -
So with you on the fast forwards and the solitude (pushing people away) explains why I can sleep for days.
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This morning as I sink into one of my depressions I have already written down my negative thoughts, looked at them and thrown them away. My emotional thoughts are disipating and I move on to focus on the day. I felt lonely and isolated but my thought is this: "I have a lot to offer, I am good at my job, I will have a short walk and a cup of tea then I will be ready for the day". Simple, but if you think positively the depression slips away.
I have a stone statue where I place my negative thoughts, in there they stay locked away but become a building block for the statue - we therefore both remain as we should one living and another uneroded stone. -
Forever Learning - thank you so much. I've found at least two people in the world who share my sense of humour and who I cry with laughter with every time I spend time with and they both live within half an hour of me, so I think I'll be Ok for some time yet. Poetry is a fabulous outlet, and it's great that you have found this to be the case. Is your poetry online anywhere?
Carrie - you will never know how much it means to me for someone to say that. When I read Marcus Trescothick's autobiography 'Coming back to me' I felt like it could have been me talking in a lot of places, which brought me great comfort, and I was hoping that one day something I wrote would have a similar effect on someone. You're really lucky to have a husband who's there for you, and a glass or three of wine doesn't hurt as long as you can keep it under control. I've never been so good at that part so I abstain altogether! Thank YOU, and I hope you are winning your battle more often than your demons are. : )
Ionium - Yeah, the pushing people away is something I'm trying so hard not to do, as they want to help, but I can't help putting up these barriers sometimes. I hope it helps to know you're not alone in feeling the way you do, and doing what you do as a result of it, I know this helps me a lot.
Phil - I very much agree that you have to find your own strategy for dealing with the dark thoughts when they come. It's inevitable that they will come, and accepting that is half of the battle. The rest is working out how you can overcome them when they do arrive, and I think it's different for each person. I really like the idea of writing down your negative thoughts and throwing them away.
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This is the first time I have been on the MIND website and have spent 2 hours frightening my self by reading about all the negative aspects of Mental illness. I am so amazed at how eloquently you can all express your feelings and emotions .... I want so much to be able to write down how I am feeling but the words just don't come. Instead I get through my moments reading your blogs and comments... I WANT TO BE CREATIVE and to stop feeling so crushingly ashamed of the fact that I am ill.
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Hi Dave
Many thanks for the reply.
I've very recently started a blog, and one of my poems is on it. The blog is www.foreverandeverlearning.blogspot.com. I am thinking that I will share other poems at intervals on the blog.
Take care.
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Wonderful post, Dave - many thanks - your honesty and eloquence is an inspiration to many.
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Indigo1 - for what it's worth, I'd say in your comment there you eloquently described the way that you feel. THere's no way of measuring how good or bad creativity is in itself, the most important thing is that it's from the heart. And there's definitely no need to be ashamed of your illness - no-one chooses to be ill, mentally or physically. I know it's so much easier said than done but try not to put pressure on yourself.
Forever learning - thanks for that, I'll have a look at your blog. I'm always interested to read peoples' poetry.
Stevie - thank you so, so much for taking the time to tell me that. It really does mean the world to me.
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Hi Dave,
Thanks for the positive feedback and recomendation - I will definatley add that to my reading list.
The responses you've got show that you've touched a lot of people with this piece.
I don't know what people think about this but I think a writer's forum might be a nice way of coninuing this conversation?
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