Eating disorders are not a lifestyle choice
Posted: Wednesday 24 February 2010
A guest post by Ilona Burton, who blogs in the Independent Minds community and campaigns for greater awareness of eating disorders.
At the age of just seven, my new year’s resolution was to lose weight. I began to hide food, throw it away, stuff it in my mouth and spit it out, and give it away to other people. Not a particularly conscious decision, not the result of bullying or a reaction to an obvious trigger – just something that very gradually, inexplicably became habitual and horribly addictive, an illness that ended up affecting over three quarters of my life.
Contrary to popular belief, the development of my eating disorder, as with the majority of sufferers, was not a vain attempt to lose weight in order to resemble skinny models or celebrities. This was a time when the Spice Girls were a picture of health, nobody knew who Nicole Richie or her stylist Rachel Zoe (later blamed for the size zero epidemic) were, and I was shopping at Tammy Girl, completely unaware of size zero, size 6 or any fad diets.
Anorexia slowly became what I perceived to be the larger part of my identity, it was just what I did, what I was, who I was. During high school, despite worries raised by my friends to teachers that were passed on to my parents, I did everything I could to deny these allegations that I was ill or in danger, and as I wasn’t on death’s door, even my GP passed me off – the same story with too many other people in my position.
Not surprisingly, the situation worsened while I was at sixth form. Skipping lunch was a non-issue to me by then as it had become so normal, so I moved on to skip as many other meals I could, ever the inventive, creative excuse-giver – my intake became lower and lower, and consequently, so did my weight. Clothes hanging from my pelvic bones, I would walk an hour or so to college and back come rain or shine and despite worries and concerns from loved ones, there was little anyone could do at this stage that would stop me from being wrapped up in my anorexic behaviours.
University time – freedom, independence, but for me, a tragic waste of what should have been the best year of my life. Instead of leaving home and drinking myself into oblivion, I isolated myself and slipped quickly into a routine which involved spending most of my time wrapped in a dressing gown, weighing myself obsessively and living off an oh so fun diet of Diet Coke, celery and sugar free jelly.
While my flatmates were out socialising and dancing till dawn, as students are supposed to, I was in my room, alone, writing depressing angst-ridden poems and seeing how many stomach crunches I could possibly do – the number increasing every day. By the end of that first year, I looked like a poster girl for the line between life and death.
In the second and third year of university, I set my heart on getting a first Class degree, was the lead singer in a band, became a DJ, made an amazing group of friends and had a damn good social life – signs that things were better, especially as the previous summer I had been threatened with hospitalisation and had therefore gained enough weight to escape that.
But behind all this, my anorexia had made a little friend in bulimia – whenever I wasn’t busying myself with all the above, I was going to more dangerous lengths (vomiting, laxative abuse, diet pills which contained ephedrine, banned in most countries) to somehow feel better about myself. Of course, no matter how much weight you lose, it is never enough and it certainly never brings with it the promised state of ‘feeling better’, not even close.
It took me a three month stint in a specialised unit, a year in outpatient care and another nine months in hospital to get me to where I am now. Even after all that effort, hard work, stress and strain of fighting against an illness that clings to you, not wanting you to ever let it go, I still am at a low weight, still fighting every day to stay well enough to get by.
I am and feel a million times better and less scared, trapped and controlled by food, but I hope that my story will highlight a few of the truths behind some of the many misconceptions that are made about eating disorders.
Eating Disorders are serious mental health illnesses that affect approximately 1.6 million people – male, female, young, old, gay, straight, vain, plain – in the UK.
Eating disorders do not discriminate – they can affect anyone and anytime for any reason.
Eating disorders are not glamorous, nor are they the result of glamourisation through the worlds of fashion or celebrity – although social pressures may contribute to a disorder, they are rarely ever the cause.
Eating disorders are not a lifestyle choice or a diet gone too far.
Eating disorders CAN be beaten – though secretive in their nature and unbelievably hard to recover from, full recovery is possible. The support is there, just reach out.
Ilona Burton
Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2010 runs from 22 to 28 February. It is run by the charity Beat, which provides helplines and other support for people with eating disorders.
9 Comments
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CW3 replied on 24 Feb 2010 at 16:56
i have been fighting the clutches of an eating disorder for the past 10yrs, just when i think i have moved forwards and am on track it rears its ugly head and shatters my world.
like in this article my anorexia developed Bulimic tendancies as the yrs went on, it really is just so tiring, i am so glad that you were able to get the help you needed to recover. -
Mindreader replied on 25 Feb 2010 at 09:33
I would agree that the culture of size 0, underweight celebs and the endless magazine reporting do not in themselves cause distressed eating. Eating distress is often about a crippling lack of self esteem and taking control in the one area a girl/woman feels able to, it's so fundamental what we put in our mouths. However I do feel this Western dis-ease does then help to fuel and maintain eating distress once it develops. It's quite hard to regain a healthy body and self acceptance in a culture which celebrates extreme thinness and vilifies and ridicules being overweight let alone fat. A woman's worth is still largely gauged by our appearance and these issues do need addressing within EDU's which can cause psychological damage with refeeding at a ridiculous rate. If 2,000 calories is meant to be the optimum for an adult woman then why the hell do they refeed people at 3,000+? That's like binge eating! EDU's have a lot to answer for there's been little innovation within ED services.
I'm not convinced there is enough support there, if there were then some individuals wouldn't feel driven to set up a pro-ana site. A documentary I watched a while back interviewed a woman who set up a pro-ana site and it was clear that for her that was all the support she felt she could get or create, how sad is that?
What we now view as 'thin' has got thinner than 10-20 yrs ago, our collective body image is distorted. This has extended to ED services where service users now have to be thinner/sicker before admission [not that I'm any advocate of them].
So many issues to address here.. -
forever learning replied on 25 Feb 2010 at 09:33
Hi Ilona,
Many thanks for sharing your experience. It has helped me to understand a little more about eating disorders.
This comment brings with it a very sincere 'well done'.
I wish you all the strength you need, along with a liberal helping of happiness and fulfilment.
Take care. -
DeeDee Ramona replied on 3 Mar 2010 at 09:52
Just a quick comment: refeeding is done at 3000+ cals due to experience from the aftermath of WW2 - once someone is emaciated for whatever reason you need amazing numbers of calories to refeed them. Look up "refeeding syndrome".
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Mindreader replied on 3 Mar 2010 at 12:00
No DeeDee, only if you want to see RAPID weight gain, it isn't clinically neccessary and it's physically painful to eat that amount, try it for yourself and see how it feels. Now imagine how hard that is on a shrunken stomach. Refeeding is done at that rate so the gain is rapid and this causes great emotional distress as the abdomen becomes so very bloated. It would be physically and emotionally easier if the refeeding wasn't stuffing a turkey for christmas. Some EDU's set the 'target weight' 7lbs higher so it takes the person longer to lose it, that's nothing about physical health or comfort. Neither is adding quantities of caloreen to complan [hardly a normal 'snack' in between 'double' portions of food].
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DeeDee Ramona replied on 5 Mar 2010 at 09:25
Oh ok, sorry, I thought it was because you wouldn't gain at all otherwise. I stand corrected. I'm sorry if I upset you with my inadvertent misinformation.
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nobodyspecial replied on 5 Mar 2010 at 09:24
why is it that, people with anorexia get hospitalized and made to gain weight when there are people with different types of eating disorders where they eat to much and are overweight and their bodies and healthy are in danger just as much as a underweight anorexic but the people who are overweight don't get hospitalized and made to lose weight? i dont find it fair
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Mindreader replied on 8 Mar 2010 at 10:11
Not at all Dee Dee, we can all debate, I think on other threads people have taken offense far too easily such as over words like 'fuck' and 'vomit'. If we can't cope with people feeling emotional it's a bit ridiculous!
Debate [including passionate or heated debate] pushes foward all our thinking.That's a very interesting point nobodyspecial, I think the reason why is because being overweight especially what is classified as "morbidly obese" [horrible term I'd never use that] isn't viewed as an 'illness' in the same way that anorexia is, but personally I see it as the flip side of anorexia with no less emotional distress. It saddens me that ED services are not that interested in people at the opposite end of the scale. I believe the western emphasis on thinness produces anorexia and obesity, I don't see the two issues as seperate.
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anneliese replied on 7 Apr 2010 at 11:37
This is really interesting. I had eating disorder for very long time and went from the anorexia through binging starving with attempts at bulimia and swinging between skinny to massively overweight or morbidly obese in very short timescales. The 'illness' seemed to be no different just the body size. I was given CBT but it didn't work for me and neither have the other approaches like the slimming clubs and eating disorder support groups. Even with them, there was this constant preoccupation with food and weight. It changed though! I heard about and have been going to meetings which are like AA but for food (food addicts in recovery anonymous www.foodaddicts.org) where with the help of a sponsor and my friends in the meetings I have learned how to eat properly with support. I have now got peace of mind and the eating and therefore my weight is regulated. It's like being let off a life sentence and there's this thing called 'life' that I am able to live. It's fab! I hope you find something that works for you. It's such a devastating illness. x
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