How to survive mid-life crisis

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What do we mean by mid-life crisis?
What are the signs?
What's the cause?
What impact is the menopause likely to have?
How can I cope with mid-life difficulties?
What alternatives might there be?
Useful organisations
Further reading

"I thought that there must be something wrong with me that I was feeling so hopeless, that I looked at my four lovely sons and a life which has so much good in it, and felt a hollowness about it all. There was nothing dramatic to report, I didn't have a single serious problem, which people could understand. It was just the feeling of nothing being right anymore had crept over me and wouldn't go away."

The feelings associated with mid-life crisis can be extremely painful and frightening, but they can also provide an enormous impetus to change and develop in ways that might have seemed impossible at an earlier age. This booklet examines some of the causes and symptoms of a mid-life crisis and describes ways of coping and moving on.

What do we mean by mid-life crisis?

Many people find that they experience powerful emotional upheavals at some point after they reach forty or fifty. A mid-life crisis may involve complex factors. It may be to do with unresolved difficulties from the past, dissatisfaction with the present, a sense of lost opportunities, a fear of diminished options in the future or of growing older in an ageist society.

During our twenties and early thirties, many of us strive to conform to a handed-down agenda for how we should live our lives, and follow a map that has largely been drawn up by others. This route involves passing exams, getting a job, building a career, forming close relationships and perhaps having children. Of course, many people don't conform to this traditional pattern and have been more concerned with self-expression and with developing a less conventional way of life.

But, whichever path we have followed during the earlier part of our lives, in our later thirties and early forties we realise it's half-time.

The growing recognition that we are not young anymore can trigger painful feelings of loss, a sense that we haven't done what we really wanted to do, a sense of dissatisfaction with what we've achieved, and a recognition that we need to change, to find a new direction and different sources of fulfilment.

Naturally, it's not the case that we all chug merrily through life until we suddenly have a mid-life crisis. Many of us will have experienced crises and losses earlier on in life, and what we go through during our middle years will be an expression of our unique life story and the problems that we have encountered. But it's possible to view mid-life difficulties as having a very real purpose in terms of our personal development. It is a time of transition, which enables us to grow and explore different ways of being and living. The analytical psychologist, Carl Jung, emphasised that 'the greatest potential for growth and self-realisation exists in the second half of life'.

If we can be honest about our painful and confusing feelings, mid-life can be a time for reassessment and reappraisal, a learning period providing the opportunity to change. We may become more interested in exploring parts of ourselves that we have lost touch with, develop a greater self-knowledge and sense of inner strength, and be less dependent on the approval of others. We may cultivate a greater interest in spiritual matters and express hidden skills and creativity. Many people also find that their relationships become deeper and more rewarding.

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What are the signs?

Everyone reacts in their own way to this upheaval in their view of themselves and the world. For some people, a sense of restlessness seems to come out of the blue. They may not be able to identify any particular reason for their feelings of depression. They may experience a sense of meaninglessness, in spite of having so many positive elements in their lives. Others feel an urge to destroy what they've built up, in order to be the kind of person they feel they need to be and to lead a more contented and fulfilling life. People may leave the security of jobs, break family ties and leave relationships in order to deal with distressing feelings.

This may represent a realistic assessment of the negative aspects of their lives and the desire to create a more positive future. But, in other cases, it may be a destructive flight away from feelings of anxiety and depression. It may represent the unrealistic belief that 'new' means 'better' and that if we only had a new partner or a different job, the painful feelings would go away.

Many people feel fearful about leaving their youth behind them. The goals and ambitions that kept us focused and single-minded during the first part of life may seem to be fading away. We may feel great uncertainty about how to replace them, and become very fearful about the future. There are many ways in which you can work on making sense of confusing feelings. If your emotional turmoil is extreme, you may find it useful to talk about your distress and explore the meaning of such feelings with a counsellor or therapist.

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What's the cause?

In our culture, youth is too often portrayed as the ideal state. The patronising and stereotypical images of older people seen in adverts, TV programmes and films seem to support the bitter humour of American writer Dorothy Parker who declared, "People ought to be one of two things, young or dead". Older people are not seen as being as interesting, attractive, creative or energetic as young people. In Western cultures, we do not value the extra knowledge, skills and wisdom older people have developed, or the benefits of learning from their experience.

Those who have grown up believing that a youthfully attractive appearance is all-important now find it very difficult to realise the worth of a different outlook; of the values or depth of understanding that we may acquire in growing older. There is also a great fear that getting older inevitably means ill health. In fact, the majority of us will continue to be healthy and to lead independent lives, even into late old age.

Ageing emphasises differences in wealth and gender. People who are better-off are able to maintain their standard of living and are more likely to view their older years as providing exciting opportunities. Older women may find it particularly difficult to build up security for their later years. They may have spent less time in paid work because of family responsibilities, and are more likely to have been in less well-paid jobs with lower pensions, if any.

For years ageism has been operating in the field of employment. Job advertisements frequently specify upper age limits and stress the need for quick thinking and bubbling energy, as though these qualities only belong to the very young. As a result, people often have difficulty in getting into certain areas of employment after the age of 45. However, the Employment Equality (Age) Regulations 2006 have now come into force and ban discrimination on the grounds of age, in both employment and vocational training, which should hopefully improve access to work opportunities for all.

Fears about our mortality
As a rule, people have a strong desire to deny their own mortality. But, at mid-life, we become increasingly aware that we are moving towards older age and our own eventual death. As we grow older, people around us die. When we lose a parent, we have to cope both with the pain of losing a loved one and the awareness that we are the next generation and our turn is next. Sometimes, people who have had distressing childhood experiences cut themselves off from family members. Now, they may feel the need for reconciliation, before it's too late. Unresolved childhood difficulties may cause acute distress at mid-life, and this may give people a push towards finally coming to terms with them. If we ourselves experience serious illness, it may create a powerful urge for change. We may have a greater sense of focus, and feel that we can't continue to live in an unsatisfying way.

Empty nest syndrome
Because women still tend to spend more time with their children and have a closer relationship with them, they may experience particular difficulties at mid-life as their children grow up, leave home and lead independent lives. But men may also find the experience of their children moving on painful. If either parent has been too busy pursuing their career to have a close relationship with their children, they may feel that any chance for a deeper relationship has slipped past.

Working life
Mid-life may be the time when people have to accept that they are not going to be at the top of the tree. They may have to face up to the fact that younger people are being given greater opportunities for promotion. If someone's whole life has been built around the structure of work and achievement, he or she may find redundancy or early retirement very difficult.

Marriage break-up
Some thirty per cent of marriages split up between the ages of forty and sixty, and there are complex reasons for this. Marriages may have been cemented by the shared responsibility of bringing up children and can break up when that common purpose no longer exists. If people have been in an unhappy relationship for years, mid-life may be the crunch period; the time when they feel it's their last chance to strike out for themselves. The power balance in a partnership may change when, for example, a man has to take early retirement just as his wife is developing greater confidence, retraining for work and enjoying greater freedom because the children have left home.

Becoming a carer
A substantial number of people, particularly women, in their mid-life years are also involved in caring for disabled or ill partners and relatives. Their physical and mental health is quite likely to be undermined by this demanding job.

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What impact is the menopause likely to have?

There are many unhelpful myths about the menopause. From the medical literature, it would be easy to believe that women are completely disabled by hormonal ups and downs, unable to think clearly or behave rationally, and prone to depression. The opposite idea is that women should just 'sail through it', implying they should not make a fuss about something so trivial.
In fact, there is a great range of responses. Some women may mourn the loss of their fertility, whilst others feel liberated. Women who have chosen not to have children may experience doubts about their choice and those who wanted, but were not able to have children may feel great anguish.

Some women experience debilitating symptoms, such as hot flushes and sweats, for several years, whilst others have no more than minor discomfort. But it's important to explode the myth that the menopause is responsible for all of the changes we experience at mid-life. Research has shown that unemployment and poverty is more likely to influence psychological and physical wellbeing than the menopause.

A large number of women are on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) to relieve menopausal symptoms. There are risks as well as benefits to it, and many women use alternative and self-help approaches, such as joining a support group, adjusting their diet, using complementary therapies and learning relaxation techniques or meditation. If you are experiencing problems, your doctor should be able to point you to a support group. A lot of information is available about the pros and cons of HRT and alternative approaches. (See Useful organisations and Further reading for sources of more information.)

The male menopause
Many older men also experience distressing physical changes and a decline in sexual potency. As they age, a number of hormonal, physiological and chemical changes occur in their bodies. This is sometimes referred to as the male menopause or andropause. Men may develop certain typical medical problems at this time, which include an enlarged prostate. They may also find that their sexual functioning is affected, as well as their stamina and temperament. The andropause can have serious emotional repercussions, including severe depression.

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How can I cope with mid-life difficulties?

You may be in a state of emotional turmoil without being able to define what, if anything, you want changed. It's important to look carefully at all the different areas of your life, to identify how you want to live in the future. You may have an instinctive feeling that this is make or break time, and that you need to leave a job or a relationship in order to flourish. Or you may see no need for radical change, but wish to improve your relationships, develop creative interests, retrain, or start your own business, for instance. Try to be as realistic and honest with yourself as possible.

Reassess your life
Try considering all the important beliefs you hold, perhaps unwittingly, about your own life, such as, "I must stay in this relationship, however painful it is, because there's no alternative", or "I only have value in my role as a parent and taking care of others". Write down the reasons why you hold these views. Are they still valid? Do they fit in with the life you want in the future?

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What alternatives might there be?

Plan for the future
According to Oscar Wilde, "Youth is wasted on the young". Mid-life can provide tremendous  opportunities for personal growth and positive change. Many people acquire a wisdom, maturity and self-confidence they lacked earlier. These can be immensely useful in dealing with existing relationships and lifestyle as well as forging new beginnings. You may decide to work part-time, so as to develop a creative interest, or spend more time with your family. You may identify an area of employment that interests you more than your current job. Or you may wish to become involved in voluntary work or to retrain and acquire new skills. There are many books that focus on career and training opportunities for older people.

If there have been long-term difficulties in your relationship, you could consider having counselling as a couple. Many people who feel isolated by the problems that they experience in their middle years find support groups vital in coming to terms
with their difficulties. (See Useful organisations and Further reading.) You may wish to put more time into reaching out to others and developing friendships which, at an earlier stage in your life, you may not have had time for.

Identify the positive aspects
It's possible to view mid-life crisis as a mid-life quest. It can be a time of opportunity when, in letting go of our younger selves, we can also put behind us past disappointments, failures and memories of our own less-than-perfect behaviour.
Many people, even those who dread the prospect of ageing, actually say they would not wish to be young again. It's important to remember the problems and insecurities you had when you were younger, and identify the skills and knowledge you can now use to deal with your present difficulties.

Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of growing older, you can view this period as a time for moving forward, a time for developing your own sense of values, rather than conforming to the expectations of others. Start by doing things you wouldn't normally do, for example, talking to a new person or joining a society or evening class. Don't use age as an excuse not to try new approaches. The Russian novelist Tolstoy learned to ride a bike when he was 67.

Assert yourself
You will need to be assertive about getting your life - home, family, and job - into the shape you want it to be. Many people, particularly women, feel guilty about taking care and having time to themselves, about saying 'no' to others' demands and setting boundaries. There may be a long-standing pattern in your life of fitting in with what everyone else wants and needs, while neglecting yourself. (See Mind's booklets, How to assert yourself and How to increase your self-esteem.) There are also groups you can join to learn assertiveness skills.

Talking treatments
Some people find that talking about their problems with a psychotherapist or a counsellor helps them to make sense of confusing and painful feelings. Counselling is usually more short-term and focuses on immediate practical issues and goals.
Psychotherapy tends to be a longer process and involves looking at deeply rooted patterns of behaviour and attitudes, developing an understanding of why we may be trapped in destructive situations and relationships, and what we can do to change. (See Useful organisations and Further reading.)

Healthy living
By making some changes at mid-life, it's possible to prevent potential health problems. This may involve stopping smoking, cutting down on alcohol, starting an exercise programme and changing your diet. Adjustments of this kind can also help with distressing menopausal symptoms. Relaxation techniques and meditation can be very useful ways of dealing with stress, as are alternative approaches, such as acupuncture or massage. (For more information, see Further reading.)

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Useful organisations

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP)
tel. 0870 443 5252
web: www.bacp.co.uk
See website or send A5 SAE for details of local practitioners

Carers UK
helpline: 0808 808 7777
web: www.carersonline.org.uk
Information and advice on all aspects of caring

Careline
counselling line: 0845 122 8622
web: www.careline.org
Crisis telephone counselling service

Men's Health Line
helpline: 020 8995 4448

Relate
tel. 0845 456 1310
web: www.relate.org.uk
Counselling for relationship difficulties

Women's Health Concern
helpline: 0845 123 2319
web: www.womens-health-concern.org
A charitable organisation helping to support and educate women about their healthcare

Useful websites

www.agepositive.co.uk
Part of the Department for Work and Pensions

www.malehealth.co.uk
Free independent information from the Men's Health Forum

www.women-returners.co.uk
Helps women returning to work achieve their aspirations

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Further reading

The assertiveness workbook R. J. Paterson (New Harbinger Press 2000)
Confidence works: learn to be your own life coach G. McMahon (Sheldon Press 2001)
Conquering fear D. Rowe (Mind 2003)
The food and mood handbook A. Geary (Thorson 2001)
Haynes brain manual: the step-by-step guide for men to achieving and maintaining mental wellbeing I.Banks (Haynes 2006)
How to assert yourself (Mind 2006)
How to cope as a carer (Mind 2006)
How to cope with relationship problems (Mind 2006)
How to improve your mental wellbeing (Mind 2006)
How to increase your self-esteem (Mind 2006)
How to stop worrying F. Tallis (Sheldon Press 2004)
How to survive family life (Mind 2004)
Making sense of counselling (Mind 2004)
Making sense of psychotherapy and psychoanalysis (Mind 2004)
Relaxation: exercises and inspirations for wellbeing Dr S. Brewer (DBP 2003)
The Mind guide to managing stress (Mind 2005) 
The Mind guide to massage (Mind 2004)
The Mind guide to spiritual practices (Mind 2004)
The Mind guide to yoga (Mind 2004)
Understanding anxiety (Mind 2006)
Understanding bereavement (Mind 2005)
Understanding depression (Mind 2006)
Understanding talking treatments (Mind 2005)

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This booklet was written by Janet Gorman
First published by Mind 1996. Revised edition © Mind 2006
ISBN 1-874690-58-8
No reproduction without permission